no work!

I actually woke early, showered and was on my way to work when I called my co-worker to take her coffee order- we take turns. She informs me the office is closed today. HUGE! I was so dreading facing my boss...I've been avoiding work for days now. I've really nothing else to say except I'm so happy I've got another day off.

I don't feel pregnant. I know the IUI didn't work. Oh well...next step...IVF. Can't wait to stick myself with needles. (Sarcasm).

other peoples' kids

A girlfriend of mine is in town with her triplets...three adorable little girls. I think they are just over two years old. We are spending the afternoon with her and as much as I love to be with her kids, it's a struggle. I am sure I don't have to explain why.

My friend's husband left her after the babies were born. He told her she was the one who wanted them, not him, and that he wasn't in love with her any more. She's been working full time and raising them completely on her own. Her typical day is something like this...wake and get the kids ready for day care. Drop them off and go to work. Pick the kids up at day care and then take care of them until they go to bed at 8:00. The funniest thing...when I was visiting her last, the little girls kept saying "Mommy cookoo, Mommy cookoo" and pointing to their little heads. Anyone would be cookoo with a life like that. I don't know how she does it. I pray her ex-husband is accidentally castrated in the most painful way imaginable.

New Year's day we will spend with my sister-in-law's family. She's got two little ones and they are both awesome. What sucks is listening to my sister-in-law say the most hurtful things like...oh, you are so lucky you don't have kids yet. oh, kids are such hard work...just you wait and see. oh, you can't imagine how hard it is. and on and on and on. I know she doesn't mean to hurt me, but she does. I don't want her knowing our business though, so I don't say anything. I'm sure my mother-in-law keeps her informed however. My mother-in-law is the type who says...now don't tell them I told you...that's how she starts everything she says. Who am I kidding? There are no secrets in our family.

two in bed again

My husband is getting over it...he worked until 11 last night which is very unusual but when he came home he returned to our bed. I guess he is forgiving me. Still, I don't know if I'm over it...he abandoned me during my IUI and still hasn't apologized.

Speaking of, it's now four days since my IUI and while I did stop bleeding for two days, the spotting returned this morning. I'm not in pain so I don't think I have an infection. I spoke with my nurse yesterday and she defended the doctor when I told her how rough she was with me and that she left me cramping and bleeding. The nurse basically said suck it up and that I complain about the same things each month. Man I can't stand this woman. They all suck! Well, except for Anna who takes my blood. I'd share my lottery wins with her, if I ever won.

I haven't been to work since I walked out a couple days ago. I don't even know what day it is, I'm so confused with not being at work. My boss called yesterday and left a message asking if I'm planning to go in anytime soon. I ignored the call. They won't fire me...they need me. Problem is that I have a presentation to our school board on the 3rd and I haven't done any preparations. I just can't be bothered. I did go to another museum though yesterday...it was fabulous! I like being a woman of leisure.

cramps, work drama and a miserable husband

So the bleeding after the IUI finally stopped. Having PCOS and never getting a period, I'm simply unaccustomed to cramps. I had a sharp, quick pain as my wake up call this morning. I know I should go back to the doctor and make sure the butcher who performed the IUI didn't do any major damage, but I can't image them sticking another thing in me right now.

My boss returned to work yesterday around noon after being out for over a week after her "heart attack". She said nothing to me but chatted up the secretary and was all smiles to her. So I shut down my computer and left. I don't need this...certainly not on top of all the other drama in my life. I drove to the City. Big mistake going there during the holiday season. It took me an hour and a half with traffic and then another half hour to find parking in a lot...I paid $36 for an hour. I ran into a museum I have been trying to visit. Loved the exhibit, but after paying admittance and for the exhibit catalogue that I had to have, it was a very expensive hour. Oh well, it's just money right?...

My husband still isn't talking to me b/c I called him a loser and said I hate him after he abandoned me during the IUI. I don't mean to get so angry and I certainly don't hate him...well not most of the time. I must sound like a horrible person.

bleeding

the bleeding is getting heavier every time i pee. i started calling my doctor as soon as i woke this morning and finally got a nurse around 11:00 who proceeded to tell me that bleeding after IUI is no big deal. Oh, just use a pad she tells me. I asked her to look at my information and tell me exactly how thin my lining was. I've done my research now (since obviously doctors don't tell you shit) and found that I need at least a 6. She proceeds to tell me that I was at 3. I freaked and started demanding to know why they made me do IUI for two days and raise my hopes with the knowledge that my lining is too thin to sustain a pregnancy. She had the doctor call me back. Meanwhile, this is the doctor who took less than 2 minutes with my IUI and left me cramping and bleeding. Freaking butcher! She tells me that there is always a chance and that my lining was actually a 4. Then she tells me not to get my information from the internet but I explain that I ain't getting the information from you doctors because you run in and run out and can't be bothered to treat me with an ounce of humanity. not talking to my husband. he left me a note this morning telling me to get a therapist or he's getting a divorce lawyer. so dramatic. ya, i'm the one who needs the therapy...? Excuse me if I have emotions about being unable to conceive.

my husband's an ass

second day of IUI. after 2 plus hours in the waiting room we were both getting restless. finally get called in and he has to play with everything in the room...the computer and the medical supplies. he can't just sit there like a normal person. so ya, he's stressing me out. i ask him to stop and sit still and he storms out of the room. goes to smoke another freaking cigarette. what the hell kind of support is this? am i out of my mind? then we get into the car and he refuses to let me drive (i beat him to the driver's seat). so what does he do...he threatens to take a train if i don't let him. are you freaking kidding me? he's done it before so i give up the driver's seat so he can have his way. i must be insane. with my thin lining and the unhappiness he puts me thru, there's no way this worked. maybe it's for the best.

food poisoning and IUI

Friday night I had some bad salad. I threw up for 10 hours straight. Never have I felt so close to death. That sucked! Saturday I spent the entire day in bed recovering. My husband meanwhile, spent hours making me chicken soup from scratch, but the smell alone just exacerbated my nausea. I feel badly but I just can't eat it and the mere mention of chicken soup makes me gag.

So I had to get out of bed for the IUI today. Apparently the follicles look great, and there are many, but my lining is thin and the doctor said that would greatly diminish my chances. He said no more Clomid for me. I knew something was wrong when I was spotting the other day. Bastards! So we go back tomorrow for another try but if my chances are so little, why put me through it?

Haircut

When I get the urge to cut my hair it completely possesses me to the point where I can't think about anything else. It comes on suddenly and I must act immediately. I usually get the feeling when everything in my life seems to be out of control...like cutting my hair will fix all my problems. Well, I had the urge yesterday and ditched work for a haircut. I know you have no clue what I look like, but until yesterday, I had long dark hair. I decided I'm tired of playing it safe and that I need a bold new change. I told her to cut it all off. It took two hours from wash to blow dry. I love it! I can't believe it, but I do. I don't follow celebrity style, but to give you a visual, my hair is now cut like katie's.

I haven't been to work in three days and I haven't even bothered to call in. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me but I think I might have lost the plot. Maybe when the holidays are over I'll go back to what I'm supposed to be doing. Meanwhile, I'm eating lunch out each day and buying stuff I inevitably have to hide from my husband. I'm so bad.

Pink

Freaked out yesterday morning. I saw pink. It wasn't red and it wasn't brown, but definitely pink. I just finished the clomid a few days ago so I can't possibly be getting my period yet. I called my nurse and of course she was unavailable. I called the emergency number and the receptionist put me through to another receptionist. I finally got another nurse and she tells me it's no big deal. Sometimes you bleed when you ovulate. Ovulating is a very new thing to me so maybe that's why this has never happened before...? Does this sound normal?

Signs of Affection

My husband thinks that feeling me up is a sign of affection. No matter how many times I have tried explaining to him that I need to be touched in a non-sexual way, he just doesn't get it. I try to show him how to cuddle but he thinks it's an invitation for sex. It's no secret I've been incredibly stressed out lately, so for several days I have been begging for a massage. My shoulders are so tight I can hardly move. He's always too tired. I told him last night that if he won't touch me then I'll pay someone else to. Today I'm going for a massage. It didn't seem to bother him. Maybe it will when he sees the bill.

Nothing to say really...finished the Clomid last night. In two nights I start peeing on the sticks again and then I wait.

I'm the boss at work since I hospitalized my boss. She's still out. I don't know when she's coming back and we haven't spoken. I know she blames me so really what can I say to her? I don't want to make her heart condition worse by calling her. Maybe she'll stay away until after the New Year and we'll start over then.

constipation

I'm on something called Cabergoline...I've no clue what it's for b/c my doctors don't tell me squat. I just do as I'm told. I'm also on day 4 of Clomid. One of these or the combination are clogging me up and I'm so miserable. My husband says I dwell too much on my bathroom habits...maybe, but I'm so freaking uncomfortable...like he doesn't bitch about the slightest little ache.

And I just had Chinese food...nothing like rice for constipation. I sent my husband to Taste of China, but I ordered from China Taste by accident. Long story short after he drove around for a half hour...we ended up with two identical orders. We'll eat the other one tomorrow night. And my fortune cookie had THREE fortunes. That's got to mean something right? (I look for signs everywhere). One fortune said, "Job well done." Stupid. The other two said "The weather is wonderful." Maybe it is where ever the fortune was written, but not where I'm sitting. It's a blizzard out.

Monday again in a few hours. I need a vacation.

I got me my shiny red handbag!

I'm not in to fashion. I've always worn very tailored clothing...Ann Taylor mostly, Talbots until my husband pointed out that I'm about 30 years younger than most the people who shop there. But lately, I've been freaking out a bit...trying crazy combinations, colors, and shopping at hipper stores. I don't know if it's all the baby stress or just the fact that I'm turning grey but still have zits. I don't want to get old. Maybe this is a mid-life crisis early.

So today I bought my big shiny red handbag! I've been dreaming about a big red bag for ages and I finally found it at 8:30 this morning at Macy's. Who the hell shops at 8:30 on Saturday morning? Well, let me tell you, the store was full and the sales were ridiculous. I never get that lucky. Oh, and if you are wondering, I was out and about because my husband had to go into work for a couple hours and I figured I'd drop him and go read the paper over a tall green tea latte.

Day three clomid.

Good news Nancy- that cyst is collapsed so I'm on my third clomid cycle...started last night and I am going to be very optimistic this time. It has to work because I don't want to to IVF as I've stated multiple times and I'm not covered for it anyway. I'm hoping for a Christmas miracle b/c according to my count that's when I'll be inseminated. I feel bad for all those people who have to work on Christmas to get a Jewish girl pregnant. I'll bring lots of goodies for them though.

I started reading the most well-written blog ever the other day but my husband came into the room and I quickly closed out of it. Could someone help me get back to it?... I remember it was pink and it had that ribbon for infertility and lots of stuff on the sides of the page. She wrote about mascara on her face and morning breath but it is her writing style that stands out. Any clue who I'm talking about? I found her through someone else and I spent several hours looking for her yesterday with no success.

Thanks!

I've been tagged

I feel so special...like I'm finally fitting into this exclusive little world. I've been tagged by Jendeis. If I understand this correctly, I'm supposed to list seven random or unusual things about myself and then tag seven others...thing is I don't think seven people read my blog. Anyway, here goes.

1. I have a 19 pound cat.

2. I lived in Israel for five years but my Hebrew sucks and I can only curse about your mother in Arabic.

3. I love to watch reruns of Good Times.

4. I enjoy fishing as long as I don't have to bait my hook or clean the fish...and I only drink beer when I'm fishing or sometimes at a baseball game, but only if I'm eating a hot dog.

5. If I could choose my last supper before I die, it would be chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes and fried okra all smothered in cream gravy.

6. I'll eat anything smothered in cream gravy, ranch dressing or chocolate.

7. My order at Starbucks is always a tall green tea latte with skim milk.

So now I'm tagging the following...and I hope you haven't been tagged yet. nancy, meghan, yoka, michele, funkyfrum, hekateris.

And now...an update on my hospitalized boss. I called her and she's drugged and in a happy state of mind. They are keeping her under observation for several days. She did not have a heart attack and I did not kill her. I do however still feel horrible. I've sent two arrangements of flowers- one on behalf of the teachers and one from me. I told each teacher individually about what happened yesterday so no one would hear it from anyone else or hear incorrect information. I think I did everything right. Am I missing anything? Oh, I called her husband last night as well.

i think i might have killed my boss

Talk about drama...my boss and I had an argument today stemming from a situation that happened last week with a teacher. Long story short, my boss did not support me when she should have. After our heated conversation she suddenly had chest pains and was taken away in an ambulance. The day just got better from there...(sarcasm). I had a student dial 911 from my office. That was fun. As the cops came running down the hall, it occurred to me they might be there to take me away for killing my boss. Holy shit! What a day. Oh, and my nurse is on vacation. Day 3 is coming up and I really need my nurse and not some stranger who knows squat about my case. Here's hoping tomorrow is a little less interesting.

day one again

It's day one again. I'm so sad. I knew I wasn't pregnant but I would have been happy to be proven wrong. This was the first time my husband was visibly disappointed and that hurts the most. I can't believe I have to start all over again. This is my final clomid cycle and then they are going to insist I do IVF. I have no interest in going through that, it sounds awful from what I've read. I don't have the will to go to work today, but I can't skip another day. Guess I just plaster on my fake smile and pretend all is well. fuck!

i'll know tomorrow

i'll know tomorrow if it happened or not. i'm guessing no because i feel like i'm going to get my period any moment. i've also been in the bitchiest mood for the last week, weeping in between refraining from scratching peoples eyes out. even though i'm 99.9% sure i'm not pregnant, i'm still not prepared for the disappointment. i really am dreading tomorrow.

my weekend retreat with the students was fun but exhausting. i need to crash. we didn't have heat in our room. the toilet was actually frozen...i swear- there was a whole sheet of ice that just spun when you flushed. i would never have believed it were possible if i hadn't seen it. no heat in our room...i'm still thawing out.

unanswered prayers

When I was a teen I traveled to Israel for the first time and like most people, on my stop at the Western Wall, I wrote a prayer and stuffed it in the a crack in the wall. Unfortunately either the prayer was lost or G-d just had other plans. My parents ended up divorcing anyway.

Still, I'm always reminded of that Garth Brooks song when I start to think about how disappointed I was... "Sometimes I thank G-d for unanswered prayers. Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs. That just because he may not answer doesn't mean he don't care. Some of G-d's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."

Inspired by Jen's blog, I sought out my own religious solution for my IF problem yesterday. Even though I lived in Israel for many years later in my life, I never attempted to put another prayer in that wall. By the way, I used to eat my lunch there regularly when I worked nearby, so I certainly had ample opportunity to communicate with G-d. Well, yesterday I decided I'll try again.

Turns out you can fax or email your prayers to a group in Jerusalem who will ensure your prayer is inserted in the Kotel. I gave it a shot, and a little donation too (one is encouraged to give charity when asking for something). And now I just hope this prayer doesn't get lost.

just babbling

I'm breaking my rule about writing more than once a day but here's the thing...I have to go on a weekend retreat with a bunch of teens tomorrow and I likely won't have access to a computer. The good news is that the venue has changed due to excessive snow so we'll be sleeping on the floor of our school instead. Bad news is there are no showers, so they are going to shuttle us on Saturday to a nearby hotel. Still beats sitting on a bus for hours with all of them.

Anyway, my husband works late these days in an effort to earn his bonus. It never seems worth it if you ask me. So blogging, I guess, is just another way to waste time.

Watched a really amusing French film this afternoon while playing hookie from work. It's called L' Iceberg and it's about a woman who gets trapped in a restaurant freezer. Upon realizing her family failed to even notice she was missing all night, she sets out to find an iceberg (the freezer experience apparently stirred this passion in her soul). It was certainly different, but I thought brilliantly done. Foreign movies are so much better than the Hollywood crap that the masses flock to see.

I'm babbling so I'll stop.

Stress

Yesterday I got into a screaming fight with a teacher. Most of the women at my school have been very receptive and welcoming to me over the past couple of years as the new assistant principal. There is one older woman however who obviously does not understand or care to acknowledge my position and continues to treat me as if I work for her by coming to me for last minute xeroxing or stupid tasks she should have done on her own time in preparation for class.

So yesterday she had a new student. I walked the child, sibling and mother to her classroom on the hour exactly. She was no where to be found. Our school policy is that the teacher must be in the room 15 minutes before the first bell. I made small talk with the family and waited. When she didn't show after five minutes I suggested the snow might be delaying her and went looking for her. Turns out she was doing something else in the office. I calmly told her there was a family in her classroom and that she was late. She responded, she was busy doing something for the principal. I then responded, I don't care...the rule is that you are in your classroom 15 minutes before class. This rule applies to everyone and she is not special. She stormed away.

Fast forward to after school. She comes into the office and says from the principals office (they are right next door)...I need to talk to you, come in here. She called ME into the Principals office. The f-ing nerve. So like a fool, I got up and went into the office. Then she tells me I owe her an apology. Can you believe? F her!... which is essentially what I said but a little cleaner.

I said a bunch of other things and to make a long story short nothing was resolved, we yelled at each other for about 20 minutes. The principal did not take sides...but I'm told by many others I have since spoken with that she should have in fact, backed me up as the assistant principal. It got ugly. The teacher is a close talker and with ever step she came closer to my face the more I had to refrain from slapping her (I've never hit a person before but there is always a first).

And the point of all this is...I kept thinking man, if I am by some miracle pregnant, this stress can't be good for a baby. Otherwise, this is some serious PMS.

Clean Air

I live in an apartment building with at least four smokers that I know of...one being my darling husband who says he simply doesn't have the strength to quit. It sucks and I tell him he will not hold our future child after smoking a cigarette. He does not smoke inside however. The others do and it's disgusting to walk by their doorways when they are open because the smell just hits you in the face. One woman downstairs actually went for surgery a few months back for her knee but they were unable to operate because she had blood clots in her lungs. Wouldn't blood clots in your lungs scare you badly enough to encourage you to quit? She's not elderly, probably my mother's age, but she looks rather ancient and she rarely leaves the house for medical reasons. All she does is chain smoke in her home. If she's looking for a way to die, I could suggest some faster ways that wouldn't infringe on others' rights to breath clean air.

So since we've started trying to conceive I've started worrying about all these things right? I stopped using deodorant last week as an experiment. Here's the thing...I estimate I have been using deodorant for about 20 years or so. (Ok, I know this really is of no interest to you but anyway...) The other day I was contemplating shaving my underarms and legs and then I decided there was no point because I still have that no sex thing going as directed by my doctor so I might as well take advantage and let it all grow out. But I was thinking, when I do shave and then apply deodorant, there is always that sting. Got me thinking...that can't be good. So I'm going without these days and it's so freaking cold out it doesn't even matter because I won't be sweating for months.

Back to the clean air...We also have these cleaning ladies who clean the staircases and hallways. They spray so much air fresher that one can't breath when entering the building. Since it is a small, enclosed area, the smell of roses and cigarettes is perpetually trapped. The thing is, they think that by spraying this poison they are cleaning but they are really just masking dirty air with toxic chemicals. I bet they buy the stuff from dollar stores and it's imported from China or some third world country where there are no standards. (Sorry to pick on China, but I don't trust their products at this point). I am forced to play this game where I open the front door, run up the stairs and try to enter my apartment all on the breath I took outside. I inevitably lose the game and end up taking a big gulp of disgusting air as I'm trying to unlock the multiple locks on my door (we live in a shady neighborhood). We've purchased one of those air purifiers but I don't know how efficacious they really are. We keep it on 24/7. It seems to just make a lot of noise.

That's all I've got today. Still don't feel the slightest bit pregnant.

Middle Class America

I grew up in what I thought was a wealthy area. My neighborhood was brand new with houses going up each day, huge yards, swimming pools etc. I had a professional basketball player on my street who we used to bug for autographs every time he had the team over.

The inhabitants of the neighborhood next door obviously thought they were entitled too. Most of the women of this neighboring development did not work and spent their days lunching, shopping, playing tennis in their mini skirts with all their veins and business hanging out for the world to see. Then they would rush home to feed their overfed kids their snacks before shuttling them to ballet, boy scouts, swimming etc. These uppity woman walked around with their noses in the air. They threw pre-prom and homecoming parties exclusively for their neighborhood...no one else was welcome. They were all good white churchgoers. At that time I can't recall one African-American family in that neighborhood and my people certainly were not invited to participate in their National Charity League luncheons.

I guess I was just reminded about this the other night when I was flipping through the tv and stopped on some reality show...I think it was some kind of race around the world. It was the very end and the two losers (I'm not being mean, they actually lost) were these blond women. So one of them says something like, we come from a privileged lifestyle...we get our manicures, pedicures and facials blah, blah, blah and then proceeded to say how proud she was that they did this race. I know they edit these shows to make the people look worse than they are, but come on...I'm sure she's middle America with her $22 combination manicure and pedicure. Get a job and life! You may be privileged, but not for the reasons you think. Those nail salons are filthy by the way and the fumes will kill you...but go ahead and get your weekly dose of poison.

So fast forward a few decades...many of those perfect little households in that neighborhood, and in mine as well, have dissipated. I've heard many stories of these women being forced to find jobs in Hallmark shops and clothing stores to pay the massive dept they accrued all those years shopping.

I'm not sure why I'm so bitchy...I don't mean to take pleasure from the downfall of others. I just can't help but think how horrible these women were to me and others simply because they thought they were so much better. I was young, shy and naive and sustained so much emotional and verbal abuse from these nasty women and my elementary teachers too...but that's another blog.

I've since seen true wealth. I work in an affluent area. I will likely never drive cars as nice as my students. That said, my students have class, an interest in the environment and a commitment to bettering the world and they don't walk around treating others like they are less than human because of money, skin color, religion, or neighborhood.

I know this has nothing to do with my IF, but I'm still just hanging out til Dec. 11th and I still don't feel pregnant so I haven't much to say on that subject. I'm so angry right now...I'm certain it's PMS.

Poopie Hand

We arranged for a speaker for our students at work the other day. The woman shows up with the cuddliest little 10 month old girl. She was really too cute for words. So the woman wanted to know if someone could babysit while she was presenting to our students. Ok, a bit presumptuous, but we have some teens who can help out. Actually we had three teens fighting for the chance to play with the little girl.

After the woman's first presentation she took a break in the snack room where she proceeded to whip out her boob in front of all our teenagers and staff. She didn't have any kind of towel, shawl or cover. She did it completely for the world to see. Our teenagers, particularly the boys were horrified and left the room.

I personally don't have a problem with public breastfeeding...it's the most nature thing in the world right...? But feeding the kid in front of teens, totally exposed is a bit thoughtless. So she finishes feeding and then she returns the kid to our babysitters and says something like...she'll probably have a poopie soon. At which one of the babysitters responds, do you have any baby wipes? Not an outrageous question. So the woman responds, no, I just like to wash her tush under warm water. What?!!! Ok, so now I have to get involved because these teens aren't even getting paid for this good deed and they are asked to use their bare hands to clean this strange child's ass. Unbelievable! We found wipes in our preschool.

Skip ahead to her collecting the child after her second performance... She comes in to get her. She proceeds to stick her hand in the baby's diaper and then pulls out her soiled hand and says, Oh, I found poopie. What an odd mommy.

What to Say to Stupid People

Yesterday I was commenting on someone's blog (If I remember the blog I'll add it later) about how stupid people can be when it comes to asking personal questions regarding having children. I said that the next time I'm asked...when are you going to have a baby, I will just say something like...you'll be the first to know. So of course, two people asked me today when I plan to have a baby and I didn't know what to say because this time they were teenagers. I can't blame them for being ignorant nor am I about to educate my teen students about infertility. I stumbled and stuttered and finally said something silly about wanting to spend time alone with my husband before I jumped into motherhood. They just kept asking me questions and I didn't know how to make it stop nor did I want to embarrass them as I would their parents had they asked instead. Uggh.

Nothing to Say Really

I have nothing to say but feel obligated to be consistent in my writing...particularly in the interest of my two readers. Glad it's Saturday but I've got to spend it doing errands and preparing for a project I'm doing at work. It's supposed to snow tomorrow but not enough to get me out of work on Monday which is a drag. It'll be just enough to make a mess on the roads. I think I've purchased enough presents for our neighbors, co-workers etc. Our second bedroom has been converted to the holiday gift room which I am sure is not unusual. All I want this year is a big red bag but my husband and I don't exchange gifts. He thinks it's a waste of money that could be going into our house fund. Always living for the future, we are. Nothing else...I don't feel pregnant. My friends have told me that a sign is having sore boobs and mine are not remotely sore. I've also got a miserable cold but am fearful about taking anything just in case. That's all.

Back to the Baby Factory

So I had a blood test and ultrasound again today. Anna messed up and couldn't get any blood flowing so she had to prick me twice. I won't hold it against her, she felt really bad. I am pleased with my doctor's enthusiasm during my ultrasound. She said it looks as if I had two follicles and now I currently have a huge cyst on one of my ovaries, but apparently this is good news. She said the cyst is twice as large as my ovary. Oh, and my lining is thick and there's a good blood supply. I don't really know what all this means since she doesn't have time for questions (they never do) because it's a baby factory and there is a waiting room full of eager women. My nurse will hopefully be able to shed some light when she calls this afternoon. Meanwhile she said no sex or exercise until my pregnancy test on December 11th and to be quite honest, going without sex or exercise suits me fine.

it's not gas!

Didn't sleep a wink last night and I've got to work late this evening. It feels as if someone is squeezing my ovaries. Not sure what this is about...waiting for my nurse to call me back. The pain finally stopped on my right side but it continues on my left. And my husband continues to tell me it's probably gas. I know what gas feels like damn it...and I'm confident this isn't gas. But thanks for your sage medical diagnosis. It's too early for cramps...not that I have much experience with cramps thankfully. I guess that's one bonus of never getting a period. So if it's not cramps, then maybe it's another awesome side affect of clomid? and of course, this pain leads me to conclude that the sex didn't work and I've got to start another clomid cycle- actually, it'll be my final clomid cycle next month. For now, I've got to put on my happy face and go to work.

Just Waiting Now

So now I guess I just wait. I have a blood test on Friday to check the level of something...I guess I should start paying more attention to whatever it is they are monitoring. Then on Dec. 11th I take a pregnancy test. In between, I guess I just wait some more. I don't have anything else to say...I just can't stand waiting and I know I have very little reason for optimism. 20- 25% chance of success is what I read. I dislike percentages as much as I dislike waiting.

In my other life...I taught a class last night and my teenage students asked me if I have ever smoked a cigarette or done drugs. I did not hesitate with my answer...I lied. What should one say when kids ask such questions?

I dislike lying too.

Not Enough Sex

I know we didn't do it enough. I was practically begging for it, but despite all his talk, he just wasn't up for a marathon. I know we didn't conceive...sucks. He's always complaining he doesn't get enough and here I was ready to break a record and he just wasn't up for it. I got the happy face two nights ago and we had sex twice that night. I'm guessing it was too early though b/c the package says that you should have sex within 24-36 hours. Then we tried once last night. I told him to wake me this morning, but he didn't. Uggh. Now I'm wondering if our window is gone. Maybe I should go jump him at his office? I'm so frustrated!

Beautiful Sight!

Look at this! I can't believe it. Could my body actually be doing what it is supposed to be doing?

ok, so my camera isn't downloading...but imagine a happy face. i'll post it later since i'm late for work. damn things never work properly when you need them!

Going Home is Never a Vacation

I'm writing this in the hopes that it will serve as a reminder the next time I want to go home for vacation. Going home is never a vacation. My G-d, I know every family has it's craziness but between mine and my husband's...what the hell are we thinking subjecting ourselves to this? They say that the definition of crazy is continuing to do something over again and expecting a different outcome. Why can't we ever learn? From now on, I'll go to see my family, he'll go to see his and when we want a true vacation, we'll blow them all off and go away, just the two of us.

We are finally talking again, but it has taken us over 24 hours. It's not really fair that we blame each other for how our families behave. And it's back to work tomorrow, so we haven't even had a chance to relax. We need a vacation from our vacation.

Meanwhile, I've been peeing on the damn stick again for over a week and still no happy face. If I don't see one soon I'm going to lose my mind.

Feeling a Bit Self-Absorbed

Two and a half years ago I went to my bestfriend's wedding. I wouldn't have missed it for the world...I loved this girl! My husband and I flew down to Texas, got a hotel room for two nights, a rental car and the gift of course. We blew over a $1000 for everything. It was a lovely wedding. Months went by and we never got a thank you. Then it was a year and well, still nothing.

Fast forward to my wedding...she and her husband RSVP'd for both the rehearsal dinner and the wedding/reception. When they missed the rehearsal dinner I called to make sure everything was ok since they had a two hour drive to our event. Everything was fine, except they couldn't find a dog sitter. I was a little hurt, but ok, they'd still come for the wedding the next day. (Could have saved myself the $200 for their dinners though). So then the wedding day comes. I'm standing up there with my family, and this thing is actually happening...I'm getting married. I turn around briefly to scan the audience to see who has come and she's no where to be found. I decide I'm not going to let this affect me...no big deal, she'll show. I hate that I turned around during my ceremony and didn't see her. Well, she never showed. (That's another $300 by the way.)

We went on our honeymoon and upon our return I called to find out what happened. I love this...she tells me she was "feeling a bit self-absorbed" and was not up to coming. I would have settled for any other excuse. What the hell does that mean? Who says that? Since then, I've longed for opportunities to use that excuse, but I could never get the words out of my mouth. That sucks!

So, the reason I'm going on about this thing that happened several years ago is because I have attended my share of baby showers and weddings since my bestfriend's wedding and I've received two thank you cards. Two cards. When was it ok to stop sending thank you cards? When I was a child, my mother forced me to send them immediately and I'm not just talking a quick thanks. I'm talking about a personalized note that acknowledges the gift and gift-giver. Do we live in such a degenerate age that we no longer show appreciation to others?

Going Home and the Elusive Happy Face

I've decided to go home for Thanksgiving after all and blow off this clomid cycle. Well, I'm still actually taking the clomid for the five days but I will miss the ultrasound determining how many follicles I have and I won't get the injection (novarel i think it's called) and of course I won't get the insemination. I do hope to try getting pregnant the old fashion way though it might be a little uncomfortable since we'll be staying with our folks. How amazing would that be if it just worked and we returned, took a pregnancy test and were done with the whole mess?!!

Does a woman with PCOS stand a chance getting pregnant with just the clomid? And what if I've got many mature follicles? Is this crazy to attempt without knowing the number of follicles? I reiterate...I don't want six at once.

I peed on the ovulation stick for seven weeks. By week six I would cry ever time I got the results. My body just refused to ovulate and by week seven I was so unstable after my results I decided that I would never use them again. My doctor was very sympathetic. Freaking happy face! I never ever saw it. So since we will be going home, my doctor has encouraged me to try the test again around day 10 in the absence of the ultrasound. I guess I've got no choice.

Reduction

Reduction...the process of reducing. The word has taken on a completely new meaning in the last few weeks and it really bothers me. When a store is having a sale, items are reduced. When one diets and exercises, one's size might be reduced. I dislike that they use this word for embryos. To me, reduction sounds so benign and simple, yet I know there is nothing simple about this decision.

I wrote on someone's blog yesterday that my husband and I don't share the same attitude about this matter. I don't even really know how I feel about it. After trying to conceive for some long, I can't imagine being in the position to have to consider reducing the number. My fear, next to not ever conceiving, is conceiving too many and having to face this morale dilemma.

I totally get that it is in the best interest of the healthiest embryos to limit the number. I also don't want to end up the star of my own tv show. Of course, there is also the strain and potential danger to one's body carrying so many.

Part of me says not to worry about it. I don't know any statistics about women who encounter this issue, so why deal with it unless I have to? However, my friend with multiples told me that I have to have a talk with my husband ahead of time just in case. I just don't have the strength to argue with him. He loves to debate about everything and anything.

I offer no alternative to the word reduction. I know I'm not supposed to utter a complaint unless I have a solution, but I don't. Maybe they should just use a medical term no one would recognize.

My Sanctuary

I don't have to be at work today until lunch time so you can imagine how annoyed I was at 5:20 when I finally realized I was never going to fall back to sleep. I had a thought though, and then I read another blog which really made me think more about it...

I'm looking around the waiting room and there are all types. There are head coverings- Muslims and Jews. There are Indians, African-Americans etc...you get the idea. So I started trying to think of other places where people of so many different ethnicities and religions unite in a room and share a prayer. I know it sounds a bit hokey, hug the world, save a tree blah blah blah. But I started thinking about the walls and then the building and the celestial beings that occupy the space and how we all radiate this hopeful energy. Whatever you believe...Maybe my ancestors are waiting in that room with me or the soul of my unborn child. Maybe they are all there hovering over our heads waiting for the time to be right.

Maybe I'm just really tired.

Waiting Room Etiquette

Here's the scene...I've already been in the waiting room for 3 hours having been pricked several times and had that condom covered thing shoved in me by yet another doctor whose name I never did get. I'm on the verge of hysteria and I'm eager to get the insemination over with so I can get the hell out, go home and prop my feet up over my head while praying for a miracle. I'm distracted however by the following...

1. A mom comes in pushing her toddler. I get it, she's had one but she wants another. That's fair. I might be in the same position someday but the thing is...I don't have one yet so how about leaving the kid with a sitter? This is my sanctuary, the one place I shouldn't have to see the love of someone else's life drooling and giggling. He is a cute and I can't help but smile when I see him, but I want to scratch her eyes out.

2. Gay couple who just met the woman who has agreed to be a surrogate mother accompanied by her husband are laughing and carrying on as if they are in a bar. I'm so glad we live in a world where their dreams can be realized too, but a little decorum please, I'm getting inseminated...you're behavior is pissing me off!

3. The room is packed, not a seat to be found and women are now standing around the desk and in the entryway while men sit. Get your ass up and offer these women seats! It's nice you've come along to support your wife or maybe you are there to do your thing in the cup, but how can you sit comfortably while these anxious women are forced to shift from foot to foot? What's wrong with people?

That's all all I've got for now...I'm sure there are others I've yet to encounter.

Thank God for Anna

There is a lab technician (now known as the Butcher) I refuse to let draw my blood ever again. I don't like to be rude so I didn't say anything the first time she stuck me, hurt me and left me with a big purple bruise. The second time she stuck the needle in my arm and then tried to find a vein I went nuts on her. Aren't you supposed to find the vein first and then stick in the needle? I'm no doctor, but what the hell? So she sticks me, then she moves the needle around searching for blood before telling me that my blood just won't flow. Then she tells me she's going to have to prick me again and that's when I said enough...although I think I swore too.

It had occurred to me to ask for someone else after the first time she hurt me, but even though it was obvious she was incompetent, I did not want to hurt her feelings. Her feelings? She's inflicting bodily harm and I'm afraid of hurting her feelings? What's wrong with me? It must have been apparent that I was not happy so she suggested that someone else should take my blood. I could not have been more relieved. I let her pull the needle out and then I fled from the lab. I'm not sure where I thought I was going, but I could sense those damn tears welling up again and I was damned if anyone was going to see me cry.

Once I regained my composure, I returned to the lab and I got Anna as my new technician. Now I have no trouble being rude. I walk in and immediately ask for Anna because she's awesome, she knows what she's doing, she doesn't reek of cigarettes like the Butcher and she asks me how I'm doing. I'm not a fan of having blood drawn...I can't look at it, when it's mine or anyone else's. I faint, I get sick, whatever...say what you want, but if I'm going to have to do this several times a week it'll be on my terms. Thank God for Anna.

Home for Thanksgiving?

Tomorrow is my day three appointment but I don't know if I should go because that means instead of flying home to be with our families for Thanksgiving in two weeks, we will be at the clinic being inseminated. I spoke with the nurse yesterday to discuss the possibility of skipping a month. To my surprise she said it was not a big deal and it would not lessen our chances of getting pregnant overall. Still, it would mean that another month has passed and I'm still not pregnant.

Since we live so far away from our families, we only see them three or four times a year. Missing Thanksgiving would be disappointing for all. Of course if we stayed and it worked, it would be worth it. We could plan to be home for the winter break, but if it fails in November we would have to try again in December, which means we would be in the same situation...sitting on non-refundable plane tickets agonizing over what to do.

I had hoped to keep our dirty little secret from our families. My husband has an extremely fertile sister-in-law and sister. They pop out kids regularly. I'd have preferred that no one know that we are having issues, but with his mom and my dad, there is no such thing as confidentiality. You can imagine the type...listen, your sister is having problems, but don't let on that you know. They don't mean any ill will, but for whatever reason can't help sharing everything with the whole family. Maybe that's the way families should be...open and honest all the time. Still, I can't help but feel that some matters should be kept between husband and wife.

So yesterday I finally told his mom and I cried and I'm so mad that I cried. I'm not a crier...well, not until recently. She immediately apologized because she had told me a story about one of the grandkids at the beginning of our phone call. I guess she'll stop talking to me about all the kids now...maybe that's not so bad. Is that too selfish? My mom knew we were up to something. I guess I should be confiding in her since she went through all this stuff too three decades ago. I think she feels kind of responsible...she feels responsible for everything really. PCOS just runs in our family unfortunately. Maybe I'll have only boys so I can save the next generation from this pain.

Don't misunderstand me...It's not so much that I'm embarrassed by my inability to conceive as much as I just don't want people thinking about it, dwelling on it, wondering when it will happen, how I'm handling it and thereby putting added pressure on me. I also don't want anyone's pity. It's bad enough I go to family birthday parties for the nieces and nephews and hear things like, "Oh someday you'll understand how hard it is to care for a child, two kids, etc." Oh, someday you'll have to change diapers and you'll know what it's like...blah, blah, blah." I can't stand it when they say things like that. Your life is so tough...you have a kid, you change diapers, you do so much...I can't possibly know what it's like because I'm childless and infertile. You win. I lose.

I know I'm not alone with this problem...I see the waiting room full of women. I just want everyone to know how wrong it is to ask people about their private issues. I can't tell you how many people, good intentioned people, have asked me..."So when are you and your husband going to have a child? You aren't getting any younger. You don't want to wait too long." Excuse me, are you kidding? Are you so insensitive, so stupid? It's none of your freaking business! I'm thinking about wearing a sign that says "It's none of your business, stop asking me!" Think before you speak people.

failed first attempt

I just completed my first Clomid cycle and it was unsuccessful. I guess I'd be writing a different kind of blog if it had succeeded. My husband and I have been going to a fertility clinic for several months now in an effort to conceive. I imagined that this would be difficult and while intellectually I might have thought I was prepared, nothing could have prepared my heart.

In case you are not familiar with the process, the way it works is this...On the first day of your period you call the clinic and schedule your day three examination which consists of blood work and an ultrasound. Then you begin taking the Clomid for five days and you wait for ovulation. Around day 13 or so of your cycle (the first day of menstruation being day one) you go back for another ultrasound to see how many follicles you have produced. (I had two this past month so I guess I figured my odds were pretty good. ) They continue to monitor the maturation of the follicles... by the way, there is no guarantee there are eggs in the follicles or healthy eggs for that matter. Then when the follicles are ready, they inject you with something that makes the eggs emerge in preparation for insemination. At that point your man disappears into the special room equipped with several different mediums of pornography. (My husband's always got some wise crack at this point...I'm sure the nurses have heard them all by now). Then they "wash" the specimen and insert it in you. Not very romantic.

So, there you are with your feet propped up staring at the ceiling and imaging the scene from that film you saw in health class years ago where the sperm is sprinting towards the egg, vying for the prize. I can't explain all the technical stuff to you so I'd advise you to go elsewhere if that's what you are seeking.

What I can tell you is that in the past month more strangers have seen my cooter (my technical term) then all the years I spent in college and graduate school combined. My husband constantly reminds me that there is no sex in medicine...but this does little to diminish my discomfort. For the first time in my life I'm actually concerned with the appearance of my cooter. I used to think women who waxed and groomed down there were nuts, vain or masochistic. Being on display for countless doctors has given me cause to ponder a litany of issues I would otherwise have ignored for the rest of my life. I guess that could be a positive result of this emotional process...I'm devoting more time to my cooter.

When it occurred to me to start blogging my thoughts a few hours ago I knew I'd have to create a name for my blog. With an interest in religion I spend a lot of time reading Biblical stories and recently I've thought a lot about Sarah and what it must have been like to be told as an old woman that she would conceive a son. It is said that she laughed. I'm not a religious person by any means. I just figure that if it worked out for Sarah and she was beyond childbearing years, then it'll eventually work for me...I'm still a lot younger than everyone else in that waiting room. Oh and by the way, when I went on-line to find the story of Sarah, I discovered that it happens to be this week's parsha or Torah portion.