Monday, March 31, 2008

Almost distaster during acupuncture

I've got the Lupron headaches again. They hurt so bad I can't see straight.

Anyway, I went back to acupuncture today and barely avoided what would have been an embarrassing disaster. Maybe it's just me, or maybe I'm nuts, but I pee much more frequently while on all of these meds.

So I arrived at my appointment and went straight to empty my bladder. I was all set for the procedure but as soon as cute acupuncturist guy put the needles in I had the urge to pee again. I didn't say anything...I figured I could lay there 30 minutes, he closed the door and was gone. I can't be sure about time because it felt as if time were standing still. The urge increased and I did everything I could to ignore it. The problem was I couldn't cross my legs because there were needles from my toes to my knees. I couldn't even hold myself like a child (sorry for that image) because there were needles in my arms and hands. Besides, how embarrassing would that have been if he had opened the door and seen that?

So I held out as long as I could until I thought both my head and bladder were going to explode. Finally, I decided I had to do something or I'd wet myself for sure. I had to either figure out how to stand without hurting myself and losing all the needles, or I'd have to call for help. I decided to call for help. Unfortunately the music was playing, the heater was on and the door was closed. Additionally, I forgot the acupuncturist's name....I knew it was either Mike or Mark. So I decided to yell for help instead. I called help about 8 times. I felt absolutely ridiculous.

He finally heard and ran in to ask what was wrong. I told him to remove the needles I was about to leave a puddle on his table. I ignored the socks and just threw on the tennis shoes without tying them which really grosses me out now (imagine how filthy that bathroom floor was)... and I was off to relieve myself. Aside from embarrassment, I was upset that it was all a big waste of time and money since obviously it was not a relaxing experience. He said that I still benefited from the procedure but I think he was just trying to make me feel better. I told him he needs to have an emergency button in the room should this ever happen again to anyone. Uggh, I've got to go back again next week and face him. Obviously I won't drink anything prior to the procedure.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008


it's been a while. i just haven't had any reason to write. i start the lupron again tomorrow. i don't know how i'll survive if this ivf cycle fails.

had a situation at work today that totally suked and i can't stop thinking about it. i'm so embarrassed. i called a parent to discuss her child's behavioral problems in class. the woman became hysterical and abusive when i told her about his inappropriate and disrespectful behavior. i stayed calm- i've dealt with crazy parents before. but then she said something you have children? maybe if you had children you'd know what to do. so i yelled, i don't have children...i can't have children for your information. i just got so pissed. how dare she make it personal. i called to inquire what the best way is to deal with her child and she attacked me. i know this woman has no idea what i'm going thru but i just lost it when she said that. insensitive bitch! thing is that i yelled it in my office and there were two other people who heard it in the office next door. i'm so humiliated. now everyone will know i can't have kids. i'm such an idiot.

Friday, March 7, 2008

thank you

thanks to everyone for your comments. i've never been more popular...i guess i need to freak out more often and threaten never to blog again. i've had time to reflect and well, i really need this blog to retain what little sanity i have these days.

i destroyed my prenatal vitamins. that was pretty stupid. i smashed them up all over the kitchen floor. then i had to clean them up. it felt good though- smashing them, not cleaning up. i have to buy more and i know the insurance company will tell me it's too soon and that i can't. my poor husband was ready to have me committed.

then something truly awful happened. i got the call from my nurse telling me the test was negative but then i got an email from my good friend saying she had lost her baby. she was four months pregnant and the heart just stopped. how could i mourn something that never was when she had just lost her baby? hearing her news made me realize how ridiculous i am being. i stopped crying for myself and cried for her instead.

so i'm trying again. my doctor explained that the retrieval was too soon. apparently my eggs mature slower than other women so we've got to wait longer next time. i'm obviously not looking forward to starting over but what choice do i have?

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

i'm done

i just took a home test and got a negative. i knew ivf failed and i didn't want to hear it tomorrow so i took the test. i'm not blogging anymore. i'm done with all this bullshit and these fucking doctors and the needles and drugs and screwed up emotions. good luck to you all.

tomorrow's the day

i take my pregnancy test tomorrow. i still don't have any symptoms or signs of pregnancy and feel like i'm going to get the biggest disappoinment of my life tomorrow. oh well, guess i'm doing another cycle. the question is how i'm going to make it through the day at work waiting to hear and then after hearing.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

To Test or Not To Test?

I still don't feel pregnant. It's been one week since my IVF transfer. No symptoms, no implantation bleeding everyone talks about, nothing. So the question is should I POAS? Tomorrow is bad because I have to work and then I have a job interview. I don't know how I'll make it thru the day with a negative. Maybe I should wait until Monday. My blood test is on Wednesday, maybe I should just wait until then. Thanks to all of ya'll who have given me hope by telling me you didn't feel pregnant either (and you really were).