Home for Thanksgiving?

Tomorrow is my day three appointment but I don't know if I should go because that means instead of flying home to be with our families for Thanksgiving in two weeks, we will be at the clinic being inseminated. I spoke with the nurse yesterday to discuss the possibility of skipping a month. To my surprise she said it was not a big deal and it would not lessen our chances of getting pregnant overall. Still, it would mean that another month has passed and I'm still not pregnant.

Since we live so far away from our families, we only see them three or four times a year. Missing Thanksgiving would be disappointing for all. Of course if we stayed and it worked, it would be worth it. We could plan to be home for the winter break, but if it fails in November we would have to try again in December, which means we would be in the same situation...sitting on non-refundable plane tickets agonizing over what to do.

I had hoped to keep our dirty little secret from our families. My husband has an extremely fertile sister-in-law and sister. They pop out kids regularly. I'd have preferred that no one know that we are having issues, but with his mom and my dad, there is no such thing as confidentiality. You can imagine the type...listen, your sister is having problems, but don't let on that you know. They don't mean any ill will, but for whatever reason can't help sharing everything with the whole family. Maybe that's the way families should be...open and honest all the time. Still, I can't help but feel that some matters should be kept between husband and wife.

So yesterday I finally told his mom and I cried and I'm so mad that I cried. I'm not a crier...well, not until recently. She immediately apologized because she had told me a story about one of the grandkids at the beginning of our phone call. I guess she'll stop talking to me about all the kids now...maybe that's not so bad. Is that too selfish? My mom knew we were up to something. I guess I should be confiding in her since she went through all this stuff too three decades ago. I think she feels kind of responsible...she feels responsible for everything really. PCOS just runs in our family unfortunately. Maybe I'll have only boys so I can save the next generation from this pain.

Don't misunderstand me...It's not so much that I'm embarrassed by my inability to conceive as much as I just don't want people thinking about it, dwelling on it, wondering when it will happen, how I'm handling it and thereby putting added pressure on me. I also don't want anyone's pity. It's bad enough I go to family birthday parties for the nieces and nephews and hear things like, "Oh someday you'll understand how hard it is to care for a child, two kids, etc." Oh, someday you'll have to change diapers and you'll know what it's like...blah, blah, blah." I can't stand it when they say things like that. Your life is so tough...you have a kid, you change diapers, you do so much...I can't possibly know what it's like because I'm childless and infertile. You win. I lose.

I know I'm not alone with this problem...I see the waiting room full of women. I just want everyone to know how wrong it is to ask people about their private issues. I can't tell you how many people, good intentioned people, have asked me..."So when are you and your husband going to have a child? You aren't getting any younger. You don't want to wait too long." Excuse me, are you kidding? Are you so insensitive, so stupid? It's none of your freaking business! I'm thinking about wearing a sign that says "It's none of your business, stop asking me!" Think before you speak people.