Today's the Day

My husband and I have our IVF class tonight. Then we come home and do the first Lubron injection with our newly acquired knowledge. I'm not even going to think about that or else I'll be paralyzed with fear and won't get to work this morning. My husband was a medic in the military a decade ago and assures me he can do the injections blindfolded.

We received the denial from my insurance yesterday for IVF. We were expecting that. But we have not yet received confirmation from his insurance that it's covered so that's an added stress. He's going to call Bitch in finance today to find out if I got approval.

One more thing...also got a letter from my insurance company saying a computer was stolen and it contained all my personal information. Fabulous. They gave me a year subscription to all the credit check companies so I can watch and wait for my identity to be stolen.

The Whole World Appears to Be Pregnant

I went to Costcos Friday to buy supplies for work. Everywhere I turned I saw pregnant women. I started crying uncontrollably and had to leave. It was a bit embarrassing. I'm a nutjob. Now I have to go back to that freaking place, battle cars again for a parking spot and do it all over again. Maybe I should go on a different day of the week...maybe Friday is pregnant shoppers day.

Yesterday I get to work and my secretary says she has to tell me something but she'll wait until the end of the day. Without a pause I say, "Are you pregnant?" and she just gave me the biggest grin. I didn't cry. I think I was prepared for this one, unlike my good friend who surprised me with the news a couple weeks ago.

The thing that gets me though is that my secretary proceeded to tell me that she really didn't want another child, that this was not planned and that it couldn't be more inconvenient. Well if that isn't icing on my cake...terrific, you didn't even want it and you got it.

totally mental today

So hekateris got me all worked up with her last comment...actually I was already worked up but just needed confirmation that I should be angry. Bitch nurse is on vacation. The substitute nurse called me yesterday while I was in a critical meeting with my boss. I asked that she please call me back and she said she had many other patients and didn't have time. I begged and she said she'd call in a half hour. Guess what?...she didn't call. Surprise.

So this morning I dealt with Stephanie. Stephanie is the biggest butthead I have ever encountered. Excuse my mouth. I'm a nice person. I open doors for strangers, I give charity regularly, I am a freaking nice person damn it! Why do I have to deal with all these assholes? Anyway, Stephanie is my financial person and she takes an attitude with me every time we speak and it's been like that since day one. I never did anything to her...I just don't understand. Maybe she just needs a new job. So anyway, she leaves this nasty message on my machine yesterday threatening me that I won't be covered and will spend thousands of dollars if she doesn't receive my referral from my primary care physician for IVF.

Meanwhile, yesterday I faxed all the necessary information to my primary care physician but they didn't take care of it. By the way, this is the second time they ignored me. I called eight days ago with the same request. Well this morning I called and cried and told them they needed to send it immediately. That worked.

Since I was on fire already, I called my doctor to bitch about the terrible service I've been getting. I didn't get him on the phone (of course not) but I got his assistant and I proceeded to rant and cry and completely freak out on this woman. I told her how I start IVF in less than 10 days, I just got a big box of scary needles delivered with multiple drugs I know nothing about and I need to speak with someone. I think I scared her. She got me a nurse immediately. Then I went nuts on the nurse.

They probably have my name in red now in their system...crazy person- beware. I'm wondering if this has anything to do with the pill. I was on the pill in college and I used to get so nutty...I thought about beating people and I'm really not a violent person. Has anyone out there ever experienced severe rage while on the pill? Or maybe it's just that I'm so freaking scared about this whole process and no one is listening to me.

Freaking Out

I finally received a packet from bitch nurse yesterday. In it is my consent forms and all kinds of information on IVF as well as information that I should have known several weeks ago when I started the birth control pill. Nice that I finally got this information.

So now I'm completely freaking out because I don't understand what the hell is going on. I inject myself with Lubron on the 31st. I continue to take the pills until the 4th. Do I continue with the Lubron and if I do, for how long? Then the 11th I go in for my ultrasound and blood work and then the retrieval is supposed to happen around the 20th. My husband has to go on antibiotics (news to us). I have to go on antibiotics. Then there is something about stimulation drugs...? Bitch nurse requested both Follistand and Gonal F. which I'm told are basically the same thing and that she must have made a mistake. But guess what...? Bitch nurse is on vacation and now I'm dealing with another nurse.

Then I have to run over to my primary care doctor for a new referral b/c my insurance doesn't cover IVF but thank G-d my husband's does. Meanwhile I have been calling my primary care doctor for an entire week and no one will freaking call me back...hence, why I'm driving over there.

I DON'T WANT TO DO IVF! Honestly, I don't know how we are going to inject things in my stomach. That's what I fear...I can't do the injections. And my husband tells me I'm making too much of this. He has no compassion. It's not his freaking body...of course it's NO BIG DEAL!

No Pain

Had my blood drawn for the umpteenth time today but the woman who did it (Anna was MIA) had a magic touch. NO PAIN. So now I just wait to see what my sugar level is I guess and then I'll know if I will be taking this Metforin. I'm keeping my fingers crossed I don't have to take it though b/c it'll delay IVF a few more days apparently. I got nothing else to say...I'm just waiting until the 31st for my class and first injection of Lupron.

My name is not love

I read a lot of blogs over the weekend and found out that since I have PCOS I am more likely to have OHSS during IVF. But apparently it has something to do with weight, b/c my doctor doesn't think it's an issue for me since I'm thin. Still, I asked about taking Metforin (or something like that) after reading about it on a blog. He's agreed to test my blood sugar and determine if I need to be on it. I don't like the fact that I read about something and brought it to his attention and then he decided to test me. I want to be informed, but I don't want to be writing my own prescriptions. I also asked about IVM which I read about somewhere. Apparently my doctor doesn't find it successful and refuses to do the procedure.

So I was supposed to go in this morning for a blood test but my husband didn't sleep last nite which means I didn't sleep last nite so there was no way I was getting up and making the hour drive. I just called my bitch nurse to apologize and ask if I can go tomorrow (I never miss an appointment). Fine she says, but she really needs my signed consent forms. Uh, hello, you've never sent them to me. Suddenly her bitch attitude mellows ever so slightly and she says, I'll mail them today. Always my fault right?...and she calls me "love" which I really hate b/c I know it's not a term of endearment in this case. We had a British guy at work who always called me love and well, I loved it...but coming from her- I just want to slap her.

IVF

I've got four days off from work and I actually slept in later than I have in years. I'm going to read all the newspapers we've accumulated from the week, finish my book, clean my house and do my art projects. I know, sounds lame...but it makes me happy.

I finally got my nurse on the phone yesterday (no, I haven't requested a new one yet- I wimped out). She confirmed my IVF class is on Jan. 31st. I'm just hanging out until then. Guess I need to start reading up on it, as I have no idea what I'm in for. I swore I'd never do it too- it was always the last resort. I'd love to hear from any one about the process or maybe you know of someone who blogs about it..?I'm looking for positive, helpful advice...nothing that's going to freak me out any more than I already am.

Thanks.

I Control My Sunshine

Looking back over my blogs, it seems I complain a lot. Maybe that's why I don't get many visitors. I've decided I'm going to be happy today and I'm going to do my best not to let the nurse, this infertility or anything else steal my sunshine. That's my goal. Ok, so here's me being positive.

I've got a 12 hour work day ahead of me but I'm so happy to have this opportunity to prove to everyone that I can be a great principal if they give me a shot. I'm going to insure the school runs well, period. I'm going to smile and befriend every teacher and convince them that my youth and inexperience is not going to make me any less of a leader. And for those old women who continue to give me a hard time...I'm going to kill them with kindness.

My father-in-law is coming to stay with us overnight. I haven't had time to clean the house, but I'm not going to worry about it because the guy loves me and isn't going to judge me by the clutter in my home.

All I have to do is make it thru tomorrow and then I have a four day weekend in which I can catch up on all the newspapers and finish my book...I'm reading Pray, Love and Eat- I think that's what's it's called...three words... maybe it's Love, Pray, Eat. I'm loving it whatever it is called.

Bitch

My nurse is a BITCH. She's neglected to call with pregnancy results. She accuses me of not listening to her and today...she called and left a message saying she'll see me at the IVF class on Feb. 5th. I DON'T LISTEN?!! I told her (my husband was there so he can validate) that I work evenings and Feb. 5th was not an option. We agreed on Jan. 31st. It's been on my calendar, it's on my husband's. I've got my heart and hopes set on that date. I can't make Feb. 5th and she fucked up this time. I called and yelled at some poor other soul who answered the phone because I couldn't get my bitch nurse. It's time to switch nurses...I've been saying it for weeks but didn't want to make trouble. She's making an incredibly stressful, miserable time even worse. BITCH!

weather people lie

I've worked the last 14 days straight with not one day off. I was counting on the 3 - 6 inches of snow those bastards said was heading my way. Just goes to show that some things are just out of our control. I should have known better than to get my hopes up. So now I'm really late to work because I slept in and my house is a mess and the Sunday paper is unread and I could go on and on all b/c they said I was going to have the morning off while they cleaned the roads. Bastards!

So I got nothing new. I'm on the birth control pill...though I don't know why exactly. Something about being in a "holding pattern" to keep the follicles from growing. My husband and I meet with my charming nurse soon to discuss the next step. Then we have the three hour course on IVF on the last day of the month. Again, why is it going to take three whole hours to learn about the process? Then it begins sometime in February.

Pregnant Friend and My Temporary Tattoo

I had lunch with a good friend today and she informed me she's pregnant. I started crying, and not because I was happy for her. It's not that I'm not happy for her, but she hasn't even been trying. I felt bad for crying, but I couldn't control it. Then I made the blunder in calling my husband for support only to hear that I have no reason to be sad. Why don't I know better than to call him?

I'm two seconds away from requesting a new nurse. The witch called me today and told me that from now on I must write down what she says b/c I obviously don't listen to her. Listen to her?...she can't spare five minutes to speak with me and she gets annoyed when I ask her questions. Bitch.

Oh and best part of the day... I forgot that I put a temporary Jewish star tattoo on my arm the other day for a class lesson. When I went to give blood today I saw it and freaked. Suddenly I had flashbacks to my high school days and all the anti-Semitic crap I went thru. I could just imagine the nurse taking one look at it and coming to all kinds of conclusions about me so I switched to my right arm quickly before she found out my secret. I never ever give blood from my right arm because they have trouble finding a vein. Needless to say I have a huge bruise now. At least she doesn't know I'm a Jew. (kidding...well, sort of).

In Limbo

So I'm in charge but I don't have a new title or contract. I'm just doing all the work. I shouldn't say too much I guess about this until something is finalized. Hopefully in the end, I will get the position and/or compensation I deserve for the 12 hour days and the increased responsibilities. Otherwise, I'm the world's biggest sucker.

I appreciate hearing that my clinic sucks and that I'm not being ridiculous and overly sensitive. I'm starting to second guess my instincts so much these days that I just don't know what to think and your comments really give me perspective. I'm sticking with them thru the IVF because at this point, I can't really go anywhere else without slowing down the process considerably, and I want to be pregnant yesterday.

My Boss Retired and I Got My Period

My boss retired last week and I've been picking up the pieces and taking over her work since she left abruptly. I've really felt as if I was missing something out of my day by not blogging, but I simply haven't had time to catch my breath. Definitely not pregnant. IUI and clomid didn't work for me. I start IVF next month. Today is day one of my cycle. Jan. 31st we take a 3 hour course (why the hell does it take 3 hours?) to learn about the IVF process. My doctor is optimistic that is will work the first time. He was optimistic IUI and clomid would work though.

Had a pregnancy test yesterday. My f-ing nurse never bothered to call me with the results. I finally called her at 5:15 pm and left a message saying how dare she leave me hanging all day without telling me the results of something so important. She called me back and said, nope- negative. No apology, no freaking sympathy. Cold woman.

No Audience Please

I just came from my doctor. I made an appointment yesterday because I had this perpetual feeling I needed to pee all day. (Oh, maybe I should warn you this might be too much information). I was going every 45 minutes and it was never satisfying and on top of everything...I had an odor. I won't elaborate. I figured I had a urinary tract infection or something so I called to ask if I should see my gyno or my RE and they told me to come in this morning. Peed in a cup and then they did an ultrasound. The doc said everything looks fine, I'll find out about my pee later when the nurse calls with the results. What ticks me off...(I know, here she goes again) is that I had three people in my examination room today. Three people in the room the size of a bathroom. So when the doctor asked me to describe the odor, I said it's a bit difficult to do with such a large audience. Are you kidding me? Hey doctor...why don't you tell me how your penis smells? Oh, and wait, let me get my friends in here first. Am I over-reacting?

Act As If

My boss told me a while back that her shrink taught her to "act as if". For example, if you don't like something you should act as if you do and eventually you will convince yourself you do or perhaps you will genuinely start liking it. That's what she told me to do with the teacher who refuses to follow my instructions... act as if I like the woman. Well, yesterday my boss acted as if all day. She walked in with a big smile plastered on her face and she smiled all damn day and we had lovely conversations and all was really pleasant. I guess it'll be like this until her true emotions erupt again like they did in the staff meeting several weeks ago and she is loaded onto an ambulance with chest pains. I don't think acting as if is healthy or good advice. I think it's better to tell it like it is. Obviously I'll never be in politics or win some kind of popularity contest. Maybe I'll act as if I'm pregnant and see what happens.

Procrastination

I don't want to go to work. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to go to work and face my boss. I've no energy for confrontation. I'm going to act as if all is well and kill her with kindness. That's the plan but I have a terrible temper so who knows what will happen. I have my presentation to the Board tomorrow and I'm dreading it. I have tons of preparation to do for it.

Still pink, every day I see pink. My doctor says not to worry so I'm not. Meanwhile, someone called me two days ago to inform me that I have a 2:00 appointment with my doctor on Thursday. I said, excuse me, but what if I can't make it? How about giving me some options. She said she'd get back to me with another time. Can you believe the nerve? Be here at this day and time...no- when are you available? Obviously his time is more important than little old me. Freaking doctors.