not feeling the least bit pregnant

I don't feel pregnant. The transfer was five days ago. I keep reading all these blogs about women who just knew they were pregnant immediately. I have no signs. Warning...this might be too much information for some...I had my usual discharge this morning. I shouldn't be getting a discharge if I'm pregnant should I? My boobs don't hurt. Nothing. I have to wait until March 5th for my test since I don't get a regular period. Or will I get a period now since I just had IVF? Does anyone have any insight?

Additionally, my husband is "depressed". He took the poor sperm morphology diagnosis really hard.

pee pee dance and the transfer

Had my transfer this morning. They called at 9:00 and told us to be there at 11:30.

I was supposed to "empty my bladder" before leaving the house and then begin drinking 4- 5 glasses of water at 11:15. By the time I was ready to go in for the procedure I was floating. (For those of you who are unfamiliar...the procedure is done with a full bladder so they can see what they are doing). That's entirely too much water for my bladder. So I was pacing in my tiny space in the waiting room, praying for them to hurry up and get to me. My husband kept calling me a spaz and saying "none of the other women in here are having problems like you." Finally I asked to "let a little out". Then I had to do it again a few minutes later. Then I asked the nurse one last time and she said no, hold it...I'm going to delay the procedure.

The doctor finally came in to answer our questions. He had a picture of our two little embryos but I couldn't focus as I was preoccupied doing the pee pee dance. He noticed and suggested I go a little more. The whole thing was horribly embarrassing, and I regret that I couldn't ask more questions about the procedure because I was so absorbed with not wetting the floor. We got into the room, they quickly transfered the embryos and I thought I'd finally be able to pee but they said I had to lie there another 20 minutes before getting up to go to the bathroom. I thought I was going to die. I know, I sound like a child. So anyway, long story short...I had to use a bed pan (that was yet another first for me).

I'm certain they will never forget me. I'm hoping never to do this again just so I don't have to show my face there again.

Seriously though, we had two embryos and I was a bit disappointed there weren't more but relieved that I didn't have to make a choice about the number to transfer. One embryo was at 8 cells but the other was only at 4 cells. They said the smaller one might be slowing down. I just pray one of them makes it. I can't believe I have two potential babies inside of me.

Snowed in on my day off

I was going to get my hair cut today but I'm snowed in on my day off. How unfair is that? Found out more information when I went for my acupuncture yesterday. Cute acupuncturist guy checked my file and told me that they actually had to do ICSI (inracytolplasmic sperm injection- which translates to inject sperm into the middle of the egg). Apparently my husband's sperm quality was not so great this time, which I don't get b/c we've never had to worry about his part in this process. According to cute acupuncturist guy, my husband's morphology was way off and only 1% of his sperm was acceptable. Anyway, tomorrow is likely the day. I haven't heard anything from the clinic so I'm just praying my four little embryos make it through another day.

bummed out

my nurse just called. there were only 5 decent eggs out of the 13 apparently. only 4 out of 5 fertilized. this isn't good is it?

13 Eggs

Had my retrieval this morning. They removed 13 eggs which I think is good. I go back Saturday, Monday or Tuesday for the transfer. The procedure wasn't too bad, the anticipation in the waiting room was the difficult part.

Retrieval

My retrieval is on Wednesday. There were some big follicles today so I'm feeling good but I'm waiting to hear back from the nurse regarding how many there are and how big they are. Tonight we stop the two injections and do the ovidrel, I think that's what it's called. Tomorrow I go back for another ultra sound and blood work. Then I fast and show up again Wednesday at 9:00 am for the retrieval. That's all. I'm very nervous but trying to envision a positive outcome.

Stupid Questions

I had an ultrasound and blood work on Friday. The doctor told the assistant on the computer that I have three follicles at 11 on the left side. Then she continued to measure and kept saying a number minus a number. I'm guessing that means there were follicles too small to measure. She'd say something like 8 minus 12. Does anyone know what this means?

I am not supposed to ask the doctor questions; I have to wait for my nurse to call...so I waited. She told me that I had 7 larger follicles on the left and a bunch of small follicles on the right. I'm going back tomorrow for another ultrasound and blood work. The tentative date for the removal or transfer...whatever they call it, of my eggs will be around the 20th.

If I do more injections on my right side will that help the others catch up? I'm guessing no and that this a seriously stupid question, so that's why I'm asking you and not the nurse.

Perpetual Headache

I'm still on the Lubron but added Folliston shots two days ago. I've had the most severe headaches right behind my eyes and nothing seems to help. Has anyone experienced this?

I'm also having anger issues...but that's really everyone else's problem.

Day 3 and Acupuncture

I had my blood test and ultrasound this morning. The doctor didn't say much, just that it looked good and he saw what he expected to see. Ok. So tonight I start the Follistin injections at 225 units and reduce the Lupron to 5 units. My husband started his antibiotics too. I think that's everything if I understand correctly. Then on Thursday I go back for another blood test and ultrasound.

Went for acupuncture today. It was not exactly what I expected. I was so exhausted from so little sleep last night and getting up at 6 this morning for the ultrasound and blood work- that I really couldn't expend any energy on worrying about the appointment. It was completely not my style, but I arrived at the appointment worry free. If only I could have that kind of composure every day...I'm a nervous nelly.

Anyway, the only thing that threw me off was that the guy was so young and attractive. It's hard enough talking to a stranger about your bowel movements, but it's more challenging when all you can think is wow...this guy is hot. I was honest however, after all I really need for this to be affective. The needles didn't hurt, the experience was totally relaxing and I actually fell asleep. I have another appointment next week. Meanwhile he gave me suggestions as to how I can get my Xi or Chi in balance. He kept saying that word...not sure what it means, but apparently if I start eating more beef, yams and herring I'll be better off. My liver is off and it's causing my spleen to be off too and I have extra fluids that are causing my PCOS. Interesting stuff, but I'm not sure I buy it.

UGGGGHHHH

Warning...I'm going to bitch a lot. So I'm just miserable. I stopped taking the birth control pill and immediately got my period but not before crying for 2 consecutive hours for no reason. I wasn't thinking about anything, I just couldn't stop the tears. My husband thinks I'm nuts.

I hate my nurse and my financial person. They both suck! Why are they so mean to me? I forgot to take my half a pill on Wednesday nite. (I've no clue what it's for, but I take it twice a week). So when I realized this morning I hadn't taken it, I freaked and cried again.

I'm too stressed to get pregnant.

My husband read an article in the paper about acupuncture this morning and called to say I needed to do this immediately. I just made two appointments, but my retrieval might fall on the day of the second appointment so it might not happen. Will one appointment do the trick? Really, more needles in me. I'm afraid I'll start leaking soon from all the punctures in my body.

I read this great blog yesterday by claire...it was so calming and wise. She says that in order to conceive one must be ready to accept the new soul and that one has to act like an adult during this process. I'm not summing it up well, but I'm going to go read it again and try to start my morning over.

Our Crazy Genes

We went for the genetic counseling which was interesting, but all we really learned is that both my husband and I have a lot of unstable people in our family. (A few were institutionalized). It appears we don't have much else to worry about other than our child will eventually need some kind of regular medication like zoloft, prozac or retilin...it seems our entire extended family is medicated. If that's the worst thing, bring it on.

We did discover that the my nurse missed a Jewish test. There are 11 apparently and I was not tested for glycogen storage disease. Now I've got to go back for yet another blood test but the problem is it takes several weeks to get the results and I don't want to delay the retrieval. I think I want to blow it off at this point...I mean what are the chances both my husband and I are carriers? But he won't have it...he wants the test done. So fine, I'm going Friday morning.

Other than that, I've gotten used to the shots in my stomach. Can't believe I'm saying that but I have. I don't watch, I mean I still can't look at the needle. I guess the new fat around my middle makes it easier. (I had to stop working out months ago at my doctor's orders).

The biggest stress I'm dealing with is work. My contract is up for renewal and I've got to get it before I'm showing. And if they decide not to renew my contract, I've got to interview and find another job before I start showing. I know, I'm being extremely optimistic here (my husband would tell me not to speak like this), but we can't afford for me to be out of work. Of course, I'd love nothing more than to stay home and raise a baby. Maybe in my next life.

Early Saturday

Nothing better than getting up before the sun on a Saturday to drive across the state for a blood test. Today they tested my progesterone I think. Why? No clue...just do what I'm told.

So my husband has decided he does want genetic counseling. Anyone know how that works? We can only give information back to our grandparents since his family was wiped out in the Holocaust and we have little information on the members of my family who made it out of Europe. Still, we already did the Jewish testing and I'm not a carrier so what more is there to do? I'm afraid more testing will delay our IVF process. At the class the other night someone mentioned the PGD test and now he wants that too. It's my understanding this is thousands of dollars if it isn't covered by insurance. I've tried to tell him that it doesn't guarantee our baby will be perfect, but he figures if it's an option, we should do it.

So the one other thing that's on my mind these days is the retrieval. Does it bother anyone else that this is done when you are sedated? Someone is going to spread my legs and invade my holy of holies while I'm unconscious. My husband won't be allowed in the room. When I asked my nurse why this was so she got defensive and tried to convince me that no one would do anything inappropriate. Still, I don't feel better about this situation. Maybe if I could put my own legs in the stirrups and then they sedated me I'd feel better. I hate the idea of someone manipulating my body while I have no idea what they are doing. I can just imagine my husband's response if he was told he would be sedated and then an instrument would be shoved inside his butt...not exactly the same thing, but the closest I can think of. It wouldn't happen.

Is this really my life?

The IVF class was over three hours with no break. I thought I was going to starve to death. I had missed lunch yesterday b/c of a meeting and didn't have time to eat before the class. I brought along chips but my husband scolded me when I tried to eat them during the class. He said it was distracting, but meanwhile others were eating. I guess my stomach growling every few minutes wasn't distracting for him.

So it was past 9 by the time we got out of the class. We had a 45 minute drive home and I still hadn't eaten. The problem was that I had a blood test this morning that I had to fast for and I knew that even if we made it home by 10 I wouldn't have time to eat if I was giving blood at 7 am. So I started to panic a bit I admit. My husband suggested we stop at a restaurant...not something he ever does. I mean we never eat in restaurants b/c he thinks they are dirty and a waste of money. Getting him to go to a restaurant even for a special occasion is near impossible. Anyway, we finally find a place that's still open in this suburban hell and we are waiting for our food when we get into a terrible fight. He's trying to keep his cool b/c we are in public but I could tell he was ready to explode. He left me alone at the table just as the food was arriving. I asked the waiter to wrap his up and I sat alone and ate my dinner knowing that it would be a miserable ride home, which it was.

When we got home he didn't want to do the shot. Of course not. He had to punish me. Now it was close to 11 and I was beyond panicked. There was no way I could do the shot myself, especially the first one. After about a half hour he finally came over to the table where I was crying on all the syringes and he did it.

Sometimes I really wonder how I got to this point. Is this really my life?