question for you

tomorrow i am supposed to acquire maternity clothes from a friend who tragically lost her baby when she was five months pregnant. i don't want the clothes in my possession but i don't want to hurt her feelings. my husband says i'm being ridiculous and superstitious and it's just clothes. i'm thinking of leaving them in my car trunk but i don't even want to drive with them. would you wear the clothes?

cramps

I woke up yesterday with cramps on my left side and panicked. I called my doctor expecting to hear that it's normal and not to worry. Instead she said come in immediately. That freaked me out. She did another extremely thorough examine...(could we not do that again please?) and she took lots of pictures. She said everything appears fine and I probably just need to drink more water.

One of the pictures shows a baby sucking it's thumb. Their faces were visible but they still look like little aliens to me. She got another picture of a baby with it's arm up and hand open. She thought it was funny, like the baby was waving at us. One baby is right side up and the other is up side down. She says that's the way twins usually are in the womb.

I asked her if I overacted by calling and she said absolutely not. She's an amazing doctor (though I wish she had smaller hands!). She said anyone with my history should act immediately if they think something is wrong. Oh, and she showed me the third sack. It's empty now, but it's still there.

my bump at 10 weeks

i'll be 11 weeks this sunday. meanwhile, here's my bump at 10 weeks. it's noticeable though i'm not "out" yet at work. excuse the immodest photo. next time i'll cover up.

i've had to switch to maternity pants b/c nothing fits. i love maternity pants and think i'll continue to wear them for good...they are so comfortable...it's like wearing pj's all day.

i've gained three pounds in the last two weeks. i find that amazing since i spend every evening vomiting. my husband is driving me nuts about my eating habits and insists i try protein drinks but they just don't appeal. he says i've got to learn to eat things even if they don't appeal. easy for him to say...he's not head down in a toilet every day. and the heartburn...i've never felt anything so severe. i'm like a dragon breathing fire after every meal. i live on tums.

one more week and i can start to share our news with non-family. we aren't doing amnio until 16 weeks, but our doctor says we should feel confident that our two babies are normal. i'm just praying that's so since i can't do anything about it anyway.

testing the babies

We saw our perinatologist the other day and I figured he'd be happy that the situation has resolved itself and we no longer have to worry. Instead he tells us that now we have to decide what we will do about testing baby A and B. Our options are either cvs for both at 12 weeks or amnio at 16 weeks. The advantage to cvs is that we will know earlier if there are chromosomal problems with the babies. Amnio will give us the same results, just several weeks later. To be honest, I'm scared to death of cvs. It just sounds awful. There is a simple blood test we can do at 12 weeks that will give us an indication of the babies health, but since we lost baby C, we are told that the results of the test will be inaccurate and it is not worth doing.

The issue again for me though is what will we do if the results are not good. Before, we were told baby C might pose a danger to my health and the health of the other two babies and that we should reduce. Thankfully we didn't have to. If it turns out there is something wrong with one or both of the other babies, what would be the justification in reducing? It's a different ball game. Would we reduce simply because a baby wasn't perfect? When do we stop playing God?

I know my situation is no longer different from any other woman's out there. Thankfully, I'm now dealing with normal issues. What does one do when an amnio test suggests a problem? My closest friends have said they waited for the results before they shared the news about their pregnancy because they knew they couldn't raise a child with severe problems. My husband said he doesn't think he's equipped to deal with a special child. That just breaks my heart. But am I equipped either?

I guess all I can do is just wait it out, hope and pray that they are healthy and maybe this will be one problem we will actually not have to face. I feel like we've been through so much already that we deserve a free pass on this issue.

I promise my next blog will be more uplifting.

mixed blessing

after three appointments last week with different doctors and trying to determine what to do about baby c...it seems our prayers have been answered. baby c no longer has a heartbeat. while i know this sounds terrible, we are so relieved that we did not have to make any kind of decision and that I didn't have to undergo an awful procedure that i'm sure would have left me scarred for life. we knew all along that there was something wrong with c. the situation has forced me to examine my feelings on issues i thought i'd never have to face. perhaps there was a reason for this all. i regret the life that was lost, but i know it's for the best. the other two will have a better chance at life and the threat to my health has been greatly diminished. i truly hope no other woman out there has to go through this.

could it get any worse?

warning...sensitive subject- not intended for everyone.

so today i went to my ob-gyn for the first time. she's great. we told her about the triplets, the issue with baby c and all that's been happening and she sent us immediately over to a perinatologist. he was super amazing and gave us all the time we wanted to ask questions. basically they all (my fertility doctor included) think baby c has something wrong with it. they all agree that due to a variety of risk factors we should consider eliminating c. they say c could affect the health of the other two. i don't want to upset anyone out there by talking about this. it's the hardest thing i've ever had to deal with and i've no idea what to do. the perinatologist said there is a chance it will still terminate on it's own before we have to make any decisions. i'm so angry at the fertility doctor for transferring three. we should never have done that. i questioned him at the time but he said that's what he was recommending. guess it doesn't matter now. what a mess. i keep thinking... this is what i prayed for??? i'm pregnant but i never expected this. could it get any worse?

baby c still hanging on

it has been such a roller coaster these last few weeks. first they tell us there are twins. the next week they tell us there are triplets. then they tell us baby c won't make it and the following week they say baby c is still hanging on but likely won't make it another week. well today they said baby c is still growing and it's catching up with the other two. what the hell? it's been very hard to find the joy in the situation when they keep telling us different things. i don't mean to sound ungrateful but we need to know what we are dealing with and whether c has serious problems. how can they flip flop on us every week?

meanwhile i've been vomiting so much i'm puking blood. the doctor says that's normal...keep my stomach full. it's hard to eat when everything makes me puke though.

i'm seeing my obgyn for the first time tomorrow. i had to beg to get in since she is booked until next year. i told the receptionist that i was having triplets and i didn't want any other doctor. that worked so i'm excited. then apparently i have to find a specialist who deals with multiples. i forget the name of this doctor...who knew there were doctors specifically for multiples..? so that's really all right now.