for the past few weeks i've felt this void in my life...like something was missing or i was forgetting something. it finally occurred to me yesterday what's been bugging me. i'm pregnant now...it's almost 13 weeks. i no longer make that 40 minute drive to the clinic at 6:30 in the morning to have my blood drawn or to have some strange doctor violate me with the ultrasound wand. i don't have to sit in a waiting room simultaneously hoping i'll be called and dreading it. i'm no longer following some crazy evening schedule of shots. the bloating, headaches and depression are a thing of the past (i can finally confess the lubron gave me suicidal thoughts- something i was too afraid to mention for fear they would take it away and i'd never get a baby). my life is no longer all about getting pregnant and i'm not saying this to gloat but rather to explain the strange feeling i now have.
of course i couldn't be happier right now, but the infertility was with me for so long it's hard to believe it's over. i don't know if any of this makes sense. i think that's why i've been so open about my struggle with everyone i know now that i'm finally pregnant. i kept this whole part of my life a secret from everyone and want them to know now what i went through... how i had to work 12 hour days after sitting in the clinic, how i had one let down after another and what i went through to get here. how many times did i put on a happy face at work when i was dying inside?
i guess i've just been doing a lot of thinking lately trying to understand why i had to go through this...why any of us have to. all i come up with are bad cliches.
don't get me wrong...i've got plenty to fill the void with...like worry about whether the babies will continue to grow. concerns about where we will live once they are here and how good a parent i'll be. but it's a different worry now. it's like i must continue to remind myself that awful stage is over and i need to let go. why do i still feel like i belong in this infertile world?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
I can completely relate to this post. It is a really weird feeling to be treated like a "regular" person by doctors and the outside world. I read in one of my pregnancy books that when you become pregnant, you instantly bond with other pregnant women. I don't find that to be the case at all. I instantly bond with infertile women-whether they are pregnant or not.
When we got our positive pregnancy result, we were so nervous about things. We didn't tell anyone for a long time, and we called the doctor for every little thing.
Going through fertility treatments makes you aware of all the things which can go wrong. It's normal to feel weird, and not like other pregnant people.
I feel that way completely. It's like I can't just let it go - I feel constantly bound to other women who are infertile or even were infertile in the past. It's like it's a members only club I don't want to let go of. But I think it's okay to not forget all that we've been through, it forever changes us, and that's something that can't be forgotten. We move forward, but parts of it still come with us.
I'm not sure if you ever get over IF. The scars fade over time, but will always be there. Lupron- the most horrible drug ever. I had dreadful memory loss and crazy mood swings.
Thank you for sharing your feelings, it sounds completely understandable. It a huge transition to go from dealing with IF to pregnancy with twins. Sending my best.
Hey! I just thought I would drop in and say "Hi". I'm a sister IF'er and just wanted to say that all of your feelings are normal ... going from RE visits a couple times per week to once every 3 weeks is quite a shock and disorienting. I felt very detached and actually still miss my RE very much. The worry lessens too. I'm at 25 wks now, but I still get that little fear every now and then. Just keep positive and pamper yourself whenever possible.
Post a Comment