16 weeks

not much to say. the morning sickness, or in my case- evening sickness has passed. i haven't puked in two weeks and i'm so grateful. now it's just hemorrhoids. sorry if that's too much info. i'm 16 weeks today. we went house shopping this weekend but i'm afraid we won't be in a house before the babies come. two weeks til the amnio and i'm still trying to get out of it but my husband is insistent. that's all.

It's out now

I've come out at work...largely because as you can see, I can't hide it much longer. I'll be 15 weeks on Sunday but I look much further along I think. I gained 6 lbs the first trimester. I'm told that's good for twins.

Anyway, the reactions so far have been really positive. I'm told that there will be those who will be annoyed and feel "duped" because I haven't been on the job long. I won't let anyone diminish my joy though. It's just a job after all. I'm waiting for someone to say something awful so I can tell them how hard it was for us to get to this day and how I thank G-d with every doctor's appointment that their little hearts continue to beat. Bring it on I say and I'll rip your head off.

I was working with my co-workers on a project today and said how excited I was about all the great ideas we were implementing. So one says to me..."we'll be sure to video tape the program for you." I didn't get it at first and then she told me to look at the calendar. The project is in December...if all goes well, I'll be giving birth at that time. Weird...I hadn't thought of it.

So I haven't puked in four days. I know I'm pressing my luck by admitting that. I do freak out about every little thing and how it might affect the babies. They are painting in my building for instance. I stormed out of work the other day because the smell was so bad and I was terrified I'll lose them. Now my husband is sick and I'm scared he'll pass it on to me. And then today, I opened a door at work and my big toe got stuck under it. I ripped the nail off. Yes that hurt like hell. But will I get an infection that will spread to the babies? That's all I think about. I'm just scared all the time.

One last thing...stop by and see trying...proud papa of a baby boy and a baby girl.

amnio

met with the specialist again today. the babies look healthy and the heartbeats are strong, thank G-d. we've scheduled an appointment for an amnio in three weeks. still not crazy about the idea. my obgyn says it's unnecessary. when my husband asked the specialist today what he would do, the doctor replied that he didn't think he could raise a child with problems so he'd do the test. that's how my husband feels as well. i'm going to try not to worry about it. i'm sure the results will be fine. i'll be 34 when the babies are born but the doctor says that since there are two, i've got the same risks as a woman over 35. that's why he has suggested we do it. i'd appreciate hearing about your experiences with this test.

this strange void

for the past few weeks i've felt this void in my life...like something was missing or i was forgetting something. it finally occurred to me yesterday what's been bugging me. i'm pregnant now...it's almost 13 weeks. i no longer make that 40 minute drive to the clinic at 6:30 in the morning to have my blood drawn or to have some strange doctor violate me with the ultrasound wand. i don't have to sit in a waiting room simultaneously hoping i'll be called and dreading it. i'm no longer following some crazy evening schedule of shots. the bloating, headaches and depression are a thing of the past (i can finally confess the lubron gave me suicidal thoughts- something i was too afraid to mention for fear they would take it away and i'd never get a baby). my life is no longer all about getting pregnant and i'm not saying this to gloat but rather to explain the strange feeling i now have.

of course i couldn't be happier right now, but the infertility was with me for so long it's hard to believe it's over. i don't know if any of this makes sense. i think that's why i've been so open about my struggle with everyone i know now that i'm finally pregnant. i kept this whole part of my life a secret from everyone and want them to know now what i went through... how i had to work 12 hour days after sitting in the clinic, how i had one let down after another and what i went through to get here. how many times did i put on a happy face at work when i was dying inside?

i guess i've just been doing a lot of thinking lately trying to understand why i had to go through this...why any of us have to. all i come up with are bad cliches.

don't get me wrong...i've got plenty to fill the void with...like worry about whether the babies will continue to grow. concerns about where we will live once they are here and how good a parent i'll be. but it's a different worry now. it's like i must continue to remind myself that awful stage is over and i need to let go. why do i still feel like i belong in this infertile world?