almost there

i've been terrible about writing but i simply haven't had the time. i'm trying to get everything in order at work so that those taking over for me don't have to do much. i'm told the babies could come any day. i've been having contractions though i didn't know it until my doctor pointed it out the other day in her office. i see the specialist today. he said pack a bag just in case i need to be admitted. i don't think i'm there yet though. i'm at 35 1/2 weeks now. the babies were both at 5 pounds when i was there two weeks ago. everything seems to be going well, thank G-d. i wish our house was more in order and we still don't have much of the stuff we were told to buy. i finally broke down and allowed my husband to bring baby stuff into the house. we just couldn't wait any longer. i'm hardly able to move these days which is annoying b/c i really want to clean my house. i get winded just washing dishes.

so that's it for now. just waiting for their arrival.

people are nicer when you are pregnant

i went to the mall the other day. not sure what i was thinking...30 weeks pregnant and i thought i could walk thru the mall. it was a bizarre experience though. i was blessed three times by three different strangers. two people came up to me and said "poor thing". that struck me as ironic...no, actually i'm thrilled to be in my current condition i wanted to say. one woman said i looked like i was ready to pop and another said that it looked like i've got something brewing in there. no kidding. i felt like moses parting the waters as i walked thru the mall. people would see me coming and quickly get out of my way. and everyone smiled. it was as if i was transported back home again where people are friendly and pleasant. strangers smiling at me in new jersey..? what a nicer place this would be if more people were pregnant.

28 weeks

i'm at 28 weeks. my goal is 10 more. i told my doctor that yesterday and she said i'd change my mind around 34 weeks. i just want them to stay in as long as possible and grow as big as they can. i don't have much else other than complaints...the back pain, numbness in my hands, swollen limbs, lack of sleep etc. thankfully i have no major problems at this point. the doctor said all looks good. oh, and i'm anemic so i'm now on iron pills that repeat on my all day. and my fat cat can't fit on my lap anymore when i sit at my computer. it's all good though.

due date

i saw my doctor today and tried to press her for a due date but she said it's not possible with twins. my goal is to keep them in as long as possible. she'd like to see me get to 38 weeks. meanwhile she said i'm retaining water and that i've got to start working from home. oh, they are going to love me when i tell them that at work. oh well, it's for a good cause and it certainly takes priority over my job.

aliens

i can see the feet moving across my stomach. it's so freaky. it's like i have aliens in my body. i keep trying to video tape it for my family but the babies seem to know when i turn the camera on because they suddenly stop moving. baby A continues to dance on my bladder. i sure wish they would let me sleep through the night.

week 25

i had some cravings in the beginning of my pregnancy and many aversions- mainly to meat. it's been a while since i've really craved anything but this week it's all about donuts. i don't know if it's really pregnancy related but i can't eat enough donuts and i've never really allowed myself to eat them before. i figure if my body wants donuts i should eat donuts.

so i saw my specialist today. baby B weight 2.6 pounds and baby A is at 2 pounds. all seems to be going well.

i was in synagogue all day yesterday and the babies were going nuts with the singing. either they really liked it or they didn't, but i could see feet coming out of my stomach. it's so amazying to actually be able to see the babies move...i previously had no idea that was possible.

i'm going for another donut. oh, and i'm so thirsty all of the time...what's up with that? i can't drink enough.

that's really all.

week 24

i came down with a cold this afternoon and now i feel miserable and am unable to sleep. is there anything i can take? i'll call my doctor first thing. it wouldn't be a normal week if i didn't call my doctor for one reason or another.

baby A has been kicking me down low for the last 5 hours. i got worried because it feels a lot different from baby B's kicks. the low kicks don't exactly hurt, but it's not pleasant. i freaked myself out thinking maybe i'm having contractions. i was on my feet all day at work, up and down stairs, and my fear was that it was too much for the babies. the thing is that i feel B all the time, but A usually just hangs out. Guess that's changing. Everytime A kicks though I fear i'm going to pee myself. i guess he's getting me in the bladder.

here's a gross one for you...there is definitely a strange odor when carrying boys. i assume it's from the hormones. by the end of the day i can't stand the smell of me. has anyone every experienced this before? my husband swears he can't smell it, but i think he's just trying to be nice.

i'm soooo tired but i can't breathe through my nose so i know i'm not sleeping tonight. on a positive note...everything seems fine, i mean aside from the minor complaints. i'm huge and happy. can't believe how fast the pregnancy is flying by.

long time no post

it just occurred to me that i haven't posted in a long time. school started last week and i just haven't had time. everything is going well thankfully. i'm almost at 24 weeks. the boys seem to be right on target. saw their little heart beats this morning when i went in for another unscheduled appointment. i woke with a rash...i couldn't see it but i could feel it. i tried putting a mirror between my legs but i couldn't see over the belly. anyway, the doctor had no idea what it is so she called another doctor in to take a look. that's not very reassuring. she gave me a prescription but how do they treat something without knowing what it is? i think i insulted my doctor.

anyway, i'm up to 150 pounds...that's up about 30 pounds from my pre-pregnancy days. i can't believe the scale when i get on it but i couldn't care less. it's shocking but not upsetting. i'll take it off. the other thing is that my nose continues to bleed. who knew all this happens with pregnancy?

my biggest concern is that i'm on my feet all day with my job. i feel so guilty that i might be hurting the babies or bringing on a premature delivery. at the same time, i have to do my job. but my babies should come first...there's the guilt. uggh.

that's really all.

i don't think it's gas

someone kicked me today i think. i definitely felt it and i don't think it was gas. i was in a meeting and i rested my arms across my belly since i didn't have any place else to put them. someone didn't seem to like the weight of my arms i'm guessing. i can't really describe what i felt. it was like a light thump. i moved my arms temporarily and then tried again and thump...same feeling. this went on for about 10 minutes. i wanted to share the news with everyone in the meeting but i kept it to myself. called my husband as soon as i left...then my mom. yeah, they are finally communicating with me.

made it over another hurdle

so i got my amnio results back today. the doctor was so nonchalant about it...ya, everthing's fine she says. relief. thank you G-d. so i asked if that means we can be sure that there are no problems and she said that there are always problems amnio can't detect, but everything appears fine at this point. i don't think i'll relax until they are in my arms.

meanwhile they have moved. instead of one being on top of the other they are now heads up against each other in my middle with their feet pointing out opposite directions. she said they are battling for space at this point and that i'll start to feel their feet most likely kicking me on each side. the reason i haven't felt them yet is that the placenta is over the top of my stomach and the thick layer prevents me from feeling anything. another two weeks she said.

i'm amazed at how big i am. i look at pictures of other women on their blogs who are much further along and they are half the size of me. so far the weight appears to be in my stomach...i mean i've got a big round ball. i'm hoping it stays there and doesn't spread to my butt. i've gained 18 pounds now. she said a healthy weight gain for twins is 50...i think that's a bit excessive.

i'll be 20 weeks tomorrow according to the doctor but actually 18 weeks according to the date we did ivf. still don't understand why they tack on those two weeks when we know the conception date.

that's all for now.

heartburn and erotic dreams

it's 4:23 am and i can't sleep. it's the same thing every morning. i wake at some ridiculous hour and can't fall back to sleep. i'm suffering from the worst heartburn right now...likely the mexican food i ate for dinner followed by the slice of pizza at midnite. guess i was asking for it.

when i do sleep, the strangest celebrities appear in my dreams. last nite it was richard dryfes. where the hell did he come from? the nite before...hulk hogan. and chandler from friends...he's a regular. i always thought i was a ross kind of girl. joey, maybe...but chandler- no.

it's my birthday today. i'm ambivalent really...i've got all i could ask for with the babies on the way. tomorrow will be one week since the amnio. just waiting to hear good results (positive thoughts, positive thoughts).

that's really all.

warning: not intended for all readers

i warn you...don't read this if you can't handle gross. i know i should just skip this post, but it happened and well, it might explain similar symptoms for someone else.

so for the last few weeks i've felt wet all the time down there. i wasn't sure if i was peeing myself or if it was something else going on. so of course i got on the internet at 3 this morning...that's my new wake up time...i'm up every morning at 3. i should know better than to try to diagnose myself via the internet, but well... i read something and i got freaked out. i decided that the wetness could be amniotic fluid leaking out of me so i called my doctor as soon as they opened. the nurse told me to come in immediately, no point taking any changes.

so the doctor did another very thorough exam...uggh, i should have kept my wet panties to myself. of course she talks to me the whole time. one of these days i'll tell her i don't comprehend anything when her hand is inside me. anyway, she inserts this instrument and proceeds to remove a big blob of disgusting goo. i could have lived without seeing it, but she insisted on showing it to me. apparently i've got an overgrowth of yeast. she said it's absolutely normal for pregnant women to have this and there is nothing to do about it unless it gets infected. she said this is what is causing the wet sensation. puke.

ok, so there's more. she asks to see my finger nails, so i show them to her. i've got long nails for the first time in my life due to the vitamins i assume. she says good...i should use my nail (should i stop here?) to remove the goo every day in the shower.

just another thing they never told me about. what other surprises are on the horizon?

two penises

i had my amnio today. the anticipation and anxiety was much worse than the procedure. in fact, compared to all the shots i took in the stomach during ivf, amnio is nothing. still, there is always the associated risks so i'm just hanging out today, taking it easy and praying nothing goes wrong. the doctor said it went perfectly though. the cramping from the amnio is not pleasant. i never had menstral cramps so i'm not used to this. i'm sure it will pass soon. i can't take anything b/c they said painkillers will mask any possible infection.

oh, and i'm permitted to go to the ne.il dia.mond concert though he questioned my choice in music. he's a funny guy.

so i'm sure you figured it out by my title...we are having two boys. i was positive they were both boys. i had a dream very early in the pregnancy that all three were boys. maybe it was just wishful thinking, but i wasn't surprised today. my husband is feeling a bit overwhelmed. he thinks it will make for a nutty house, but we both said as long as they are healthy, obviously we are happy with whatever we receive. it'll be two weeks before we learn the results of the test. again, i feel optomistic that all will be well. we haven't had any other screening however, since they told us that the loss of the third would negatively impact blood and other screening tests. but they keep telling us that all looks good. keeping my fingers and toes crossed for the next two weeks.

ne.il dia.mond tickets

my husband got us ne.il dia.mond tickets for my birthday. i'm so excited. this will be my 4th time to see him. ok, i know some of you are gagging...my co-workers and friend all laugh at me. i love neil so bug off. ok, but here's the issue. i read that at 18 weeks the babies can hear noise and be startled. maybe it's not a good idea? but come on, how crazy and loud can a ne.il dia.mond concert be? i'm embarrassed to ask my doctor, but i'm sure he's heard far dumber questions.

16 weeks

not much to say. the morning sickness, or in my case- evening sickness has passed. i haven't puked in two weeks and i'm so grateful. now it's just hemorrhoids. sorry if that's too much info. i'm 16 weeks today. we went house shopping this weekend but i'm afraid we won't be in a house before the babies come. two weeks til the amnio and i'm still trying to get out of it but my husband is insistent. that's all.

It's out now

I've come out at work...largely because as you can see, I can't hide it much longer. I'll be 15 weeks on Sunday but I look much further along I think. I gained 6 lbs the first trimester. I'm told that's good for twins.

Anyway, the reactions so far have been really positive. I'm told that there will be those who will be annoyed and feel "duped" because I haven't been on the job long. I won't let anyone diminish my joy though. It's just a job after all. I'm waiting for someone to say something awful so I can tell them how hard it was for us to get to this day and how I thank G-d with every doctor's appointment that their little hearts continue to beat. Bring it on I say and I'll rip your head off.

I was working with my co-workers on a project today and said how excited I was about all the great ideas we were implementing. So one says to me..."we'll be sure to video tape the program for you." I didn't get it at first and then she told me to look at the calendar. The project is in December...if all goes well, I'll be giving birth at that time. Weird...I hadn't thought of it.

So I haven't puked in four days. I know I'm pressing my luck by admitting that. I do freak out about every little thing and how it might affect the babies. They are painting in my building for instance. I stormed out of work the other day because the smell was so bad and I was terrified I'll lose them. Now my husband is sick and I'm scared he'll pass it on to me. And then today, I opened a door at work and my big toe got stuck under it. I ripped the nail off. Yes that hurt like hell. But will I get an infection that will spread to the babies? That's all I think about. I'm just scared all the time.

One last thing...stop by and see trying...proud papa of a baby boy and a baby girl.

amnio

met with the specialist again today. the babies look healthy and the heartbeats are strong, thank G-d. we've scheduled an appointment for an amnio in three weeks. still not crazy about the idea. my obgyn says it's unnecessary. when my husband asked the specialist today what he would do, the doctor replied that he didn't think he could raise a child with problems so he'd do the test. that's how my husband feels as well. i'm going to try not to worry about it. i'm sure the results will be fine. i'll be 34 when the babies are born but the doctor says that since there are two, i've got the same risks as a woman over 35. that's why he has suggested we do it. i'd appreciate hearing about your experiences with this test.

this strange void

for the past few weeks i've felt this void in my life...like something was missing or i was forgetting something. it finally occurred to me yesterday what's been bugging me. i'm pregnant now...it's almost 13 weeks. i no longer make that 40 minute drive to the clinic at 6:30 in the morning to have my blood drawn or to have some strange doctor violate me with the ultrasound wand. i don't have to sit in a waiting room simultaneously hoping i'll be called and dreading it. i'm no longer following some crazy evening schedule of shots. the bloating, headaches and depression are a thing of the past (i can finally confess the lubron gave me suicidal thoughts- something i was too afraid to mention for fear they would take it away and i'd never get a baby). my life is no longer all about getting pregnant and i'm not saying this to gloat but rather to explain the strange feeling i now have.

of course i couldn't be happier right now, but the infertility was with me for so long it's hard to believe it's over. i don't know if any of this makes sense. i think that's why i've been so open about my struggle with everyone i know now that i'm finally pregnant. i kept this whole part of my life a secret from everyone and want them to know now what i went through... how i had to work 12 hour days after sitting in the clinic, how i had one let down after another and what i went through to get here. how many times did i put on a happy face at work when i was dying inside?

i guess i've just been doing a lot of thinking lately trying to understand why i had to go through this...why any of us have to. all i come up with are bad cliches.

don't get me wrong...i've got plenty to fill the void with...like worry about whether the babies will continue to grow. concerns about where we will live once they are here and how good a parent i'll be. but it's a different worry now. it's like i must continue to remind myself that awful stage is over and i need to let go. why do i still feel like i belong in this infertile world?

question for you

tomorrow i am supposed to acquire maternity clothes from a friend who tragically lost her baby when she was five months pregnant. i don't want the clothes in my possession but i don't want to hurt her feelings. my husband says i'm being ridiculous and superstitious and it's just clothes. i'm thinking of leaving them in my car trunk but i don't even want to drive with them. would you wear the clothes?

cramps

I woke up yesterday with cramps on my left side and panicked. I called my doctor expecting to hear that it's normal and not to worry. Instead she said come in immediately. That freaked me out. She did another extremely thorough examine...(could we not do that again please?) and she took lots of pictures. She said everything appears fine and I probably just need to drink more water.

One of the pictures shows a baby sucking it's thumb. Their faces were visible but they still look like little aliens to me. She got another picture of a baby with it's arm up and hand open. She thought it was funny, like the baby was waving at us. One baby is right side up and the other is up side down. She says that's the way twins usually are in the womb.

I asked her if I overacted by calling and she said absolutely not. She's an amazing doctor (though I wish she had smaller hands!). She said anyone with my history should act immediately if they think something is wrong. Oh, and she showed me the third sack. It's empty now, but it's still there.