whensarahlaughed

almost there

2008-12-09T09:21:00.000-08:00

i've been terrible about writing but i simply haven't had the time. i'm trying to get everything in order at work so that those taking over for me don't have to do much. i'm told the babies could come any day. i've been having contractions though i didn't know it until my doctor pointed it out the other day in her office. i see the specialist today. he said pack a bag just in case i need to be admitted. i don't think i'm there yet though. i'm at 35 1/2 weeks now. the babies were both at 5 pounds when i was there two weeks ago. everything seems to be going well, thank G-d. i wish our house was more in order and we still don't have much of the stuff we were told to buy. i finally broke down and allowed my husband to bring baby stuff into the house. we just couldn't wait any longer. i'm hardly able to move these days which is annoying b/c i really want to clean my house. i get winded just washing dishes.

so that's it for now. just waiting for their arrival.

people are nicer when you are pregnant

2008-11-06T07:28:00.001-08:00

i went to the mall the other day. not sure what i was thinking...30 weeks pregnant and i thought i could walk thru the mall. it was a bizarre experience though. i was blessed three times by three different strangers. two people came up to me and said "poor thing". that struck me as ironic...no, actually i'm thrilled to be in my current condition i wanted to say. one woman said i looked like i was ready to pop and another said that it looked like i've got something brewing in there. no kidding. i felt like moses parting the waters as i walked thru the mall. people would see me coming and quickly get out of my way. and everyone smiled. it was as if i was transported back home again where people are friendly and pleasant. strangers smiling at me in new jersey..? what a nicer place this would be if more people were pregnant.

28 weeks

2008-10-18T08:34:00.000-07:00

i'm at 28 weeks. my goal is 10 more. i told my doctor that yesterday and she said i'd change my mind around 34 weeks. i just want them to stay in as long as possible and grow as big as they can. i don't have much else other than complaints...the back pain, numbness in my hands, swollen limbs, lack of sleep etc. thankfully i have no major problems at this point. the doctor said all looks good. oh, and i'm anemic so i'm now on iron pills that repeat on my all day. and my fat cat can't fit on my lap anymore when i sit at my computer. it's all good though.

due date

2008-10-10T15:33:00.000-07:00

i saw my doctor today and tried to press her for a due date but she said it's not possible with twins. my goal is to keep them in as long as possible. she'd like to see me get to 38 weeks. meanwhile she said i'm retaining water and that i've got to start working from home. oh, they are going to love me when i tell them that at work. oh well, it's for a good cause and it certainly takes priority over my job.

aliens

2008-10-07T18:57:00.000-07:00

i can see the feet moving across my stomach. it's so freaky. it's like i have aliens in my body. i keep trying to video tape it for my family but the babies seem to know when i turn the camera on because they suddenly stop moving. baby A continues to dance on my bladder. i sure wish they would let me sleep through the night.

week 25

2008-10-01T10:57:00.000-07:00

i had some cravings in the beginning of my pregnancy and many aversions- mainly to meat. it's been a while since i've really craved anything but this week it's all about donuts. i don't know if it's really pregnancy related but i can't eat enough donuts and i've never really allowed myself to eat them before. i figure if my body wants donuts i should eat donuts.

so i saw my specialist today. baby B weight 2.6 pounds and baby A is at 2 pounds. all seems to be going well.

i was in synagogue all day yesterday and the babies were going nuts with the singing. either they really liked it or they didn't, but i could see feet coming out of my stomach. it's so amazying to actually be able to see the babies move...i previously had no idea that was possible.

i'm going for another donut. oh, and i'm so thirsty all of the time...what's up with that? i can't drink enough.

that's really all.

week 24

2008-09-23T23:25:00.000-07:00

i came down with a cold this afternoon and now i feel miserable and am unable to sleep. is there anything i can take? i'll call my doctor first thing. it wouldn't be a normal week if i didn't call my doctor for one reason or another.

baby A has been kicking me down low for the last 5 hours. i got worried because it feels a lot different from baby B's kicks. the low kicks don't exactly hurt, but it's not pleasant. i freaked myself out thinking maybe i'm having contractions. i was on my feet all day at work, up and down stairs, and my fear was that it was too much for the babies. the thing is that i feel B all the time, but A usually just hangs out. Guess that's changing. Everytime A kicks though I fear i'm going to pee myself. i guess he's getting me in the bladder.

here's a gross one for you...there is definitely a strange odor when carrying boys. i assume it's from the hormones. by the end of the day i can't stand the smell of me. has anyone every experienced this before? my husband swears he can't smell it, but i think he's just trying to be nice.

i'm soooo tired but i can't breathe through my nose so i know i'm not sleeping tonight. on a positive note...everything seems fine, i mean aside from the minor complaints. i'm huge and happy. can't believe how fast the pregnancy is flying by.

long time no post

2008-09-16T17:21:00.000-07:00

it just occurred to me that i haven't posted in a long time. school started last week and i just haven't had time. everything is going well thankfully. i'm almost at 24 weeks. the boys seem to be right on target. saw their little heart beats this morning when i went in for another unscheduled appointment. i woke with a rash...i couldn't see it but i could feel it. i tried putting a mirror between my legs but i couldn't see over the belly. anyway, the doctor had no idea what it is so she called another doctor in to take a look. that's not very reassuring. she gave me a prescription but how do they treat something without knowing what it is? i think i insulted my doctor.

anyway, i'm up to 150 pounds...that's up about 30 pounds from my pre-pregnancy days. i can't believe the scale when i get on it but i couldn't care less. it's shocking but not upsetting. i'll take it off. the other thing is that my nose continues to bleed. who knew all this happens with pregnancy?

my biggest concern is that i'm on my feet all day with my job. i feel so guilty that i might be hurting the babies or bringing on a premature delivery. at the same time, i have to do my job. but my babies should come first...there's the guilt. uggh.

that's really all.

i don't think it's gas

2008-08-27T15:08:00.000-07:00

someone kicked me today i think. i definitely felt it and i don't think it was gas. i was in a meeting and i rested my arms across my belly since i didn't have any place else to put them. someone didn't seem to like the weight of my arms i'm guessing. i can't really describe what i felt. it was like a light thump. i moved my arms temporarily and then tried again and thump...same feeling. this went on for about 10 minutes. i wanted to share the news with everyone in the meeting but i kept it to myself. called my husband as soon as i left...then my mom. yeah, they are finally communicating with me.

made it over another hurdle

2008-08-20T06:58:00.000-07:00

so i got my amnio results back today. the doctor was so nonchalant about it...ya, everthing's fine she says. relief. thank you G-d. so i asked if that means we can be sure that there are no problems and she said that there are always problems amnio can't detect, but everything appears fine at this point. i don't think i'll relax until they are in my arms.

meanwhile they have moved. instead of one being on top of the other they are now heads up against each other in my middle with their feet pointing out opposite directions. she said they are battling for space at this point and that i'll start to feel their feet most likely kicking me on each side. the reason i haven't felt them yet is that the placenta is over the top of my stomach and the thick layer prevents me from feeling anything. another two weeks she said.

i'm amazed at how big i am. i look at pictures of other women on their blogs who are much further along and they are half the size of me. so far the weight appears to be in my stomach...i mean i've got a big round ball. i'm hoping it stays there and doesn't spread to my butt. i've gained 18 pounds now. she said a healthy weight gain for twins is 50...i think that's a bit excessive.

i'll be 20 weeks tomorrow according to the doctor but actually 18 weeks according to the date we did ivf. still don't understand why they tack on those two weeks when we know the conception date.

that's all for now.

heartburn and erotic dreams

2008-08-13T01:22:00.000-07:00

it's 4:23 am and i can't sleep. it's the same thing every morning. i wake at some ridiculous hour and can't fall back to sleep. i'm suffering from the worst heartburn right now...likely the mexican food i ate for dinner followed by the slice of pizza at midnite. guess i was asking for it.

when i do sleep, the strangest celebrities appear in my dreams. last nite it was richard dryfes. where the hell did he come from? the nite before...hulk hogan. and chandler from friends...he's a regular. i always thought i was a ross kind of girl. joey, maybe...but chandler- no.

it's my birthday today. i'm ambivalent really...i've got all i could ask for with the babies on the way. tomorrow will be one week since the amnio. just waiting to hear good results (positive thoughts, positive thoughts).

that's really all.

warning: not intended for all readers

2008-08-07T19:00:00.000-07:00

i warn you...don't read this if you can't handle gross. i know i should just skip this post, but it happened and well, it might explain similar symptoms for someone else.

so for the last few weeks i've felt wet all the time down there. i wasn't sure if i was peeing myself or if it was something else going on. so of course i got on the internet at 3 this morning...that's my new wake up time...i'm up every morning at 3. i should know better than to try to diagnose myself via the internet, but well... i read something and i got freaked out. i decided that the wetness could be amniotic fluid leaking out of me so i called my doctor as soon as they opened. the nurse told me to come in immediately, no point taking any changes.

so the doctor did another very thorough exam...uggh, i should have kept my wet panties to myself. of course she talks to me the whole time. one of these days i'll tell her i don't comprehend anything when her hand is inside me. anyway, she inserts this instrument and proceeds to remove a big blob of disgusting goo. i could have lived without seeing it, but she insisted on showing it to me. apparently i've got an overgrowth of yeast. she said it's absolutely normal for pregnant women to have this and there is nothing to do about it unless it gets infected. she said this is what is causing the wet sensation. puke.

ok, so there's more. she asks to see my finger nails, so i show them to her. i've got long nails for the first time in my life due to the vitamins i assume. she says good...i should use my nail (should i stop here?) to remove the goo every day in the shower.

just another thing they never told me about. what other surprises are on the horizon?

two penises

2008-08-06T10:47:00.000-07:00

i had my amnio today. the anticipation and anxiety was much worse than the procedure. in fact, compared to all the shots i took in the stomach during ivf, amnio is nothing. still, there is always the associated risks so i'm just hanging out today, taking it easy and praying nothing goes wrong. the doctor said it went perfectly though. the cramping from the amnio is not pleasant. i never had menstral cramps so i'm not used to this. i'm sure it will pass soon. i can't take anything b/c they said painkillers will mask any possible infection.

oh, and i'm permitted to go to the ne.il dia.mond concert though he questioned my choice in music. he's a funny guy.

so i'm sure you figured it out by my title...we are having two boys. i was positive they were both boys. i had a dream very early in the pregnancy that all three were boys. maybe it was just wishful thinking, but i wasn't surprised today. my husband is feeling a bit overwhelmed. he thinks it will make for a nutty house, but we both said as long as they are healthy, obviously we are happy with whatever we receive. it'll be two weeks before we learn the results of the test. again, i feel optomistic that all will be well. we haven't had any other screening however, since they told us that the loss of the third would negatively impact blood and other screening tests. but they keep telling us that all looks good. keeping my fingers and toes crossed for the next two weeks.

ne.il dia.mond tickets

2008-08-01T05:36:00.000-07:00

my husband got us ne.il dia.mond tickets for my birthday. i'm so excited. this will be my 4th time to see him. ok, i know some of you are gagging...my co-workers and friend all laugh at me. i love neil so bug off. ok, but here's the issue. i read that at 18 weeks the babies can hear noise and be startled. maybe it's not a good idea? but come on, how crazy and loud can a ne.il dia.mond concert be? i'm embarrassed to ask my doctor, but i'm sure he's heard far dumber questions.

16 weeks

2008-07-27T20:03:00.000-07:00

not much to say. the morning sickness, or in my case- evening sickness has passed. i haven't puked in two weeks and i'm so grateful. now it's just hemorrhoids. sorry if that's too much info. i'm 16 weeks today. we went house shopping this weekend but i'm afraid we won't be in a house before the babies come. two weeks til the amnio and i'm still trying to get out of it but my husband is insistent. that's all.

It's out now

2008-07-17T17:35:00.000-07:00

I've come out at work...largely because as you can see, I can't hide it much longer. I'll be 15 weeks on Sunday but I look much further along I think. I gained 6 lbs the first trimester. I'm told that's good for twins.

Anyway, the reactions so far have been really positive. I'm told that there will be those who will be annoyed and feel "duped" because I haven't been on the job long. I won't let anyone diminish my joy though. It's just a job after all. I'm waiting for someone to say something awful so I can tell them how hard it was for us to get to this day and how I thank G-d with every doctor's appointment that their little hearts continue to beat. Bring it on I say and I'll rip your head off.

I was working with my co-workers on a project today and said how excited I was about all the great ideas we were implementing. So one says to me..."we'll be sure to video tape the program for you." I didn't get it at first and then she told me to look at the calendar. The project is in December...if all goes well, I'll be giving birth at that time. Weird...I hadn't thought of it.

So I haven't puked in four days. I know I'm pressing my luck by admitting that. I do freak out about every little thing and how it might affect the babies. They are painting in my building for instance. I stormed out of work the other day because the smell was so bad and I was terrified I'll lose them. Now my husband is sick and I'm scared he'll pass it on to me. And then today, I opened a door at work and my big toe got stuck under it. I ripped the nail off. Yes that hurt like hell. But will I get an infection that will spread to the babies? That's all I think about. I'm just scared all the time.

One last thing...stop by and see trying...proud papa of a baby boy and a baby girl.

amnio

2008-07-09T17:01:00.000-07:00

met with the specialist again today. the babies look healthy and the heartbeats are strong, thank G-d. we've scheduled an appointment for an amnio in three weeks. still not crazy about the idea. my obgyn says it's unnecessary. when my husband asked the specialist today what he would do, the doctor replied that he didn't think he could raise a child with problems so he'd do the test. that's how my husband feels as well. i'm going to try not to worry about it. i'm sure the results will be fine. i'll be 34 when the babies are born but the doctor says that since there are two, i've got the same risks as a woman over 35. that's why he has suggested we do it. i'd appreciate hearing about your experiences with this test.

this strange void

2008-07-02T13:47:00.000-07:00

for the past few weeks i've felt this void in my life...like something was missing or i was forgetting something. it finally occurred to me yesterday what's been bugging me. i'm pregnant now...it's almost 13 weeks. i no longer make that 40 minute drive to the clinic at 6:30 in the morning to have my blood drawn or to have some strange doctor violate me with the ultrasound wand. i don't have to sit in a waiting room simultaneously hoping i'll be called and dreading it. i'm no longer following some crazy evening schedule of shots. the bloating, headaches and depression are a thing of the past (i can finally confess the lubron gave me suicidal thoughts- something i was too afraid to mention for fear they would take it away and i'd never get a baby). my life is no longer all about getting pregnant and i'm not saying this to gloat but rather to explain the strange feeling i now have.

of course i couldn't be happier right now, but the infertility was with me for so long it's hard to believe it's over. i don't know if any of this makes sense. i think that's why i've been so open about my struggle with everyone i know now that i'm finally pregnant. i kept this whole part of my life a secret from everyone and want them to know now what i went through... how i had to work 12 hour days after sitting in the clinic, how i had one let down after another and what i went through to get here. how many times did i put on a happy face at work when i was dying inside?

i guess i've just been doing a lot of thinking lately trying to understand why i had to go through this...why any of us have to. all i come up with are bad cliches.

don't get me wrong...i've got plenty to fill the void with...like worry about whether the babies will continue to grow. concerns about where we will live once they are here and how good a parent i'll be. but it's a different worry now. it's like i must continue to remind myself that awful stage is over and i need to let go. why do i still feel like i belong in this infertile world?

question for you

2008-06-26T05:17:00.000-07:00

tomorrow i am supposed to acquire maternity clothes from a friend who tragically lost her baby when she was five months pregnant. i don't want the clothes in my possession but i don't want to hurt her feelings. my husband says i'm being ridiculous and superstitious and it's just clothes. i'm thinking of leaving them in my car trunk but i don't even want to drive with them. would you wear the clothes?

cramps

2008-06-25T07:28:00.000-07:00

I woke up yesterday with cramps on my left side and panicked. I called my doctor expecting to hear that it's normal and not to worry. Instead she said come in immediately. That freaked me out. She did another extremely thorough examine...(could we not do that again please?) and she took lots of pictures. She said everything appears fine and I probably just need to drink more water.

One of the pictures shows a baby sucking it's thumb. Their faces were visible but they still look like little aliens to me. She got another picture of a baby with it's arm up and hand open. She thought it was funny, like the baby was waving at us. One baby is right side up and the other is up side down. She says that's the way twins usually are in the womb.

I asked her if I overacted by calling and she said absolutely not. She's an amazing doctor (though I wish she had smaller hands!). She said anyone with my history should act immediately if they think something is wrong. Oh, and she showed me the third sack. It's empty now, but it's still there.

my bump at 10 weeks

2008-06-21T01:29:00.001-07:00

i'll be 11 weeks this sunday. meanwhile, here's my bump at 10 weeks. it's noticeable though i'm not "out" yet at work. excuse the immodest photo. next time i'll cover up.

i've had to switch to maternity pants b/c nothing fits. i love maternity pants and think i'll continue to wear them for good...they are so comfortable...it's like wearing pj's all day.

i've gained three pounds in the last two weeks. i find that amazing since i spend every evening vomiting. my husband is driving me nuts about my eating habits and insists i try protein drinks but they just don't appeal. he says i've got to learn to eat things even if they don't appeal. easy for him to say...he's not head down in a toilet every day. and the heartburn...i've never felt anything so severe. i'm like a dragon breathing fire after every meal. i live on tums.

one more week and i can start to share our news with non-family. we aren't doing amnio until 16 weeks, but our doctor says we should feel confident that our two babies are normal. i'm just praying that's so since i can't do anything about it anyway.

testing the babies

2008-06-14T08:03:00.000-07:00

We saw our perinatologist the other day and I figured he'd be happy that the situation has resolved itself and we no longer have to worry. Instead he tells us that now we have to decide what we will do about testing baby A and B. Our options are either cvs for both at 12 weeks or amnio at 16 weeks. The advantage to cvs is that we will know earlier if there are chromosomal problems with the babies. Amnio will give us the same results, just several weeks later. To be honest, I'm scared to death of cvs. It just sounds awful. There is a simple blood test we can do at 12 weeks that will give us an indication of the babies health, but since we lost baby C, we are told that the results of the test will be inaccurate and it is not worth doing.

The issue again for me though is what will we do if the results are not good. Before, we were told baby C might pose a danger to my health and the health of the other two babies and that we should reduce. Thankfully we didn't have to. If it turns out there is something wrong with one or both of the other babies, what would be the justification in reducing? It's a different ball game. Would we reduce simply because a baby wasn't perfect? When do we stop playing God?

I know my situation is no longer different from any other woman's out there. Thankfully, I'm now dealing with normal issues. What does one do when an amnio test suggests a problem? My closest friends have said they waited for the results before they shared the news about their pregnancy because they knew they couldn't raise a child with severe problems. My husband said he doesn't think he's equipped to deal with a special child. That just breaks my heart. But am I equipped either?

I guess all I can do is just wait it out, hope and pray that they are healthy and maybe this will be one problem we will actually not have to face. I feel like we've been through so much already that we deserve a free pass on this issue.

I promise my next blog will be more uplifting.

mixed blessing

2008-06-09T08:21:00.000-07:00

after three appointments last week with different doctors and trying to determine what to do about baby c...it seems our prayers have been answered. baby c no longer has a heartbeat. while i know this sounds terrible, we are so relieved that we did not have to make any kind of decision and that I didn't have to undergo an awful procedure that i'm sure would have left me scarred for life. we knew all along that there was something wrong with c. the situation has forced me to examine my feelings on issues i thought i'd never have to face. perhaps there was a reason for this all. i regret the life that was lost, but i know it's for the best. the other two will have a better chance at life and the threat to my health has been greatly diminished. i truly hope no other woman out there has to go through this.

could it get any worse?

2008-06-04T15:32:00.000-07:00

warning...sensitive subject- not intended for everyone.

so today i went to my ob-gyn for the first time. she's great. we told her about the triplets, the issue with baby c and all that's been happening and she sent us immediately over to a perinatologist. he was super amazing and gave us all the time we wanted to ask questions. basically they all (my fertility doctor included) think baby c has something wrong with it. they all agree that due to a variety of risk factors we should consider eliminating c. they say c could affect the health of the other two. i don't want to upset anyone out there by talking about this. it's the hardest thing i've ever had to deal with and i've no idea what to do. the perinatologist said there is a chance it will still terminate on it's own before we have to make any decisions. i'm so angry at the fertility doctor for transferring three. we should never have done that. i questioned him at the time but he said that's what he was recommending. guess it doesn't matter now. what a mess. i keep thinking... this is what i prayed for??? i'm pregnant but i never expected this. could it get any worse?

baby c still hanging on

2008-06-03T07:43:00.000-07:00

it has been such a roller coaster these last few weeks. first they tell us there are twins. the next week they tell us there are triplets. then they tell us baby c won't make it and the following week they say baby c is still hanging on but likely won't make it another week. well today they said baby c is still growing and it's catching up with the other two. what the hell? it's been very hard to find the joy in the situation when they keep telling us different things. i don't mean to sound ungrateful but we need to know what we are dealing with and whether c has serious problems. how can they flip flop on us every week?

meanwhile i've been vomiting so much i'm puking blood. the doctor says that's normal...keep my stomach full. it's hard to eat when everything makes me puke though.

i'm seeing my obgyn for the first time tomorrow. i had to beg to get in since she is booked until next year. i told the receptionist that i was having triplets and i didn't want any other doctor. that worked so i'm excited. then apparently i have to find a specialist who deals with multiples. i forget the name of this doctor...who knew there were doctors specifically for multiples..? so that's really all right now.

baby c

2008-05-27T10:03:00.000-07:00

baby c is not doing so hot. i heard all three heartbeats today but my doctor thinks baby c will terminate shortly. he says it's likely sick. if it doesn't happen naturally, he says we'll have to test it in a few weeks and talk about what to do. a and be are doing just fine.

morning sickness every evening

2008-05-19T16:36:00.000-07:00

i just puked again...it happens ever night around this time. i'm not complaining ok..? glad to be puking, but can someone tell me how to make it stop? no food appeals. i've been eating a lot of french fries which i know is unhealthy but everything makes me sick. and smells... everything i smell makes me sick.

and my husband...well, he has to have his own sickness every time i'm not feeling well. he's always been this way...i'd get a cold and he'd get sick. i'd have a headache, he'd be in pain. now it's just annoying. he's sleeping right now b/c he isn't feeling well. surprise...he hasn't been feeling well since i started puking several days ago. how convenient.

A, B and C

2008-05-16T08:42:00.000-07:00

My doctor says to me this morning during the ultrasound...did we discuss the possibility that there might be three..? NO, I say. He says, well,...there are three.

6 weeks tomorrow

2008-05-15T05:05:00.001-07:00

tomorrow's the day. we are supposed to be able to hear the heartbeats. i'm very nervous. my husband and i have hardly acknowledged to each other what's happening...he's been holding out until the heartbeats. maybe then it'll be real to him.

meanwhile the nausea continues everyday and for the last three nights i've woken up at crazy hours "starving". i've had to get up and eat b/c there is simply no ignoring it.

i've read that you aren't supposed to gain weight in the first month, but my pants are all too tight. i don't want to keep buying bigger clothes so i think i'm going to check out Chico's this week. i hear all their pants are elastic. i guess for a while i'll just look like i'm getting fat? i want to jump to the stage where i can where cute maternity clothes.

uggh. ok, please keep your fingers crossed for tomorrow.

oops, it just snuck out

2008-05-12T16:02:00.001-07:00

i tooted really loud in the shoe store today. i couldn't contain it. generally i'm not a very gassy person but it's out of control. i've got a meeting all morning tomorrow...i'm hoping this stage doesn't last long or i might alienate my co-workers.

chicken pot pie and vanilla ice cream

2008-05-11T16:24:00.000-07:00

the morning sickness came late today...around 2:00. nothing appeals except chicken pot pie and vanilla ice cream. i haven't had chicken pot pie in years so i'm not sure where this craving is coming from. i had a hamburger yesterday...red meat. i don't do that very often but i'm trying to satisfy whatever craving i get since the thought of most food makes me want to puke.

my MIL keeps calling and asking for an update. she was here the day of the transfer three weeks ago so she is expecting news. i had not wanted anyone to know, as i've explained multiple times, but she was in my house that day...here's how it went down.

my in-laws were in town visiting over passover. at the seder, they got a call from overseas and my FIL had to make immediate arrangements to fly the next day. long story short...my FIL didn't have his passport with him since he had not anticipated flying overseas, so my husband agreed to fly across the country to pick up the passport and fly back to the east coast...all in one day. This way my FIL wouldn't kill himself flying to get the passport and then catching a 10 hour flight overseas. My husband left early the next morning and several hours later I got the call for the transfer. We were really hoping for a five day transfer but it was three and my husband was on a plane. oh well.

anyway, I had 45 minutes to get to the doctor so I was rushing around. I told my in-laws I had to go to the clinic but I didn't explain why. upon my return, I just wanted to get into bed, put my feet up, relax and focus on my embryos implanting. however my SIL and her family soon arrived and I had two little ones running around my very small apartment chasing our cat. then my SIL decided she wanted to shower and then bathe the kids. then they all had to eat of course. and the whole time I was trying to lay low, not wanting to explain anything but fearing they would interpret my behavior as rude. it was insane...i mean the house was a total zoo on the one day i just needed to chill out. and the worst part was that my husband wasn't there. i had gone thru the whole thing alone, only to return to a house full of his family. it worked out so i shouldn't complain. so i had a pile of wet towels, mcdonalds wrappers and chaos everwhere...but the thing that really bothered me was that they didn't wait on me...they knew i went thru something yet, they didn't bring me lunch in bed or anything. i didn't ask though but still, wouldn't you have offered?

so my MIL calls every day for the results. she even asked my mom if she knew anything and boy did my mom give it to her...she told her that when i have something to tell them i will tell them. my mom doesn't have a whole lot of patience for my MIL

A and B

2008-05-10T07:02:00.001-07:00

I had my blood work and ultrasound yesterday. My beta was 11,800 and there were two sacks. -I think that's what the doctor called them...A and B. We won't know for sure however until we hear/see the heartbeats in another week. I can't believe how quickly this is going. Question...do we still tack on the two weeks to my pregnancy even though we know when conception was? I can't find the answer to this. Am I three weeks pregnant since that's when the transfer was or am I five weeks pregnant because they count two weeks before for women who conceive the natural way. Maybe you know what I'm talking about..? It makes a big difference since we have to wait until three months to tell people. It's my understanding that pregnancy is 40 weeks b/c of those two weeks they add on in the beginning.

My husband thinks I'm already gaining weight. I don't think it's baby weight...too soon for that. I'm just eating a lot. He thinks my boobs look bigger too...I think it's wishful thinking on his part. We reduced the progesterone last night but a shot in the bum is a shot regardless. I'm so bruised it looks like someone's beating me.

That's really all. I drink a ginger ale every morning and pop ginger pills when I feel sick...it seems to help. I think the trick is to always have a full stomach but it's hard to eat when you feel sick.

not talking about it

2008-05-06T06:10:00.000-07:00

i told my mom last night...i had to, she's my mom and i couldn't keep a pregnancy from her any longer. if it all goes well (please God) i'll be the first of the children to reproduce. she was a bit freaked out though. she told me it's too early to talk about it...we must not talk about it. she's apparently more superstitious then i am. and i am not to bring anything baby related into the house...not until it's born. ok, we won't talk about it.

didn't sleep much last night due to cramps. i've read it's my uterus expanding. i'm constantly eating. i had two lunches yesterday. i can't statisfy the hunger. i know i'm not supposed to be eating for two yet (or three) but i'm hungry.

cute acupuncture guy called me yesterday to say he had heard and congratulations. he's such a sweet guy! i wish i knew someone to hook him up with.

that's all.

Pregnant But Not Ready to Put It Out There

2008-05-03T12:16:00.000-07:00

I went in for another blood test this morning. I love getting up early on my only day off to drive 45 minutes so someone can stick a needle in me. Anyway, my beta doubled so it's apparent I'm pregnant. I'm not admitting that out loud yet. My husband doesn't understand why we can't tell our family yet. He thinks that if anything goes wrong, G-d forbid, that our families should know too. I've tried repeatedly to explain to him that it just isn't done. We must wait until the second trimester. I'm sure he won't be able to keep it quiet...he'll tell his parents and make them promise not to say anything. Then his mother will tell the rest of the family and make them promise not to say anything. Then she'll call me and drop hints that she knows. That's my in-laws. I'm just so freaking scared that something will go wrong.

bring on the morning sickness

2008-05-02T05:20:00.000-07:00

while giving blood for my pregnancy test yesterday i experienced morning sickness for the first time. i was overcome by queasiness and the nurse noticed and offered me juice. she thought it was from taking my blood, but i never watch the process and i'm a regular at it obviously, and i never had this feeling before. i got home and the nausea continued until about 2:00. until i got the call from my nurse i was praying it was morning sickness. once i got the call i was certain and i couldn't be happier. bring it on! i'm eating crackers right now and trying not to puke. i'm not gonna complain about any of it, i'm just so freaking thankful! oh, and the constipation started several days ago...i wasn't sure if that was a symptom. i can't go. i still have cramping every time i pee too. (tmi?- sorry). i guess i knew i was pregnant but i didn't want to admit it.

could someone please comment on my 540 beta after a 12 day transfer? my nurse says it's likely more than one. i spent the day surfing looking for any indication as to how many it might be. i found that people with twins had between 200-400. Could it be three? I know i've got a long way to go and anything could happen but i'm terrified of three. my husband said that since we had icsi we could actually end up with more than three.

IT'S POSITIVE!

2008-05-01T07:19:00.000-07:00

The nurse just called. It's positive. My level is 540 so she said it's likely more than one. Two would be great...three would be challenging. I can't believe it!

tomorrow's the day

2008-04-30T05:40:00.000-07:00

i test tomorrow. i'm nervous. i'm optimistic this time but i'm not going to take a home test like last time...that was a mistake. i'm having cramps but not sure if this is still the OHSS. i've had a headache since i went to sleep last night but my husband says it's probably allergies. he's really excited. he thinks the ivf worked this time. i really don't know if i'll be able to survive another disappointment. if it's not too much trouble...say a little prayer for me or cross your fingers- whatever it is that you do.

no pregnancy signs

2008-04-29T06:46:00.000-07:00

so i think the OHSS is going away finally but i've got some strange pains still. i'm being hopeful that it's pregnancy cramps but maybe it's just linked to the OHSS. i still think the butcher of a doctor who performed my retrieval injured me. the clinic denies that she could have done anything destructive of course. all i know is that the retrieval didn't hurt the first time and this time it's been hell. it still hurts when i pee. could she have punctured my bladder or other organs with the needle? i have been unusually tired lately but it might have more to do with my lifestyle these days then anything else. i'm looking for pregnancy signs everywhere but perhaps it's nothing more than my imagination. i keep hoping for implantation bleeding or bigger boobs but i've got neither so far.

feeling miserable

2008-04-24T06:21:00.000-07:00

my condition gets worse towards evening when my stomach swells up and the indigestion/ heartburn starts. i've never experienced anything this miserable. my pants still won't button so i'm living in my husband's sweats. I regret everything i eat...everything burns several hours after a meal. it sure would be nice to hear from someone who's experienced hyperstimulation. i mean does this sound normal. maybe it's a medication i'm taking? i finished the steroids last night and the antibiotics this morning so hopefully that will help. oh and i found out from my nurse that it's the steroids that were making me pee every half hour at night. did i mention this? i wake up every half hour to pee. my record is 14 times in a night. my husband thought i was exaggerating until he stayed up the other nite working and saw me in action. i'm functioning on no sleep, swollen ovaries and heartburn. then there's the gas, constipation and cramping...ok, i'll stop bitching.

so no more doctors, ultrasounds or blood tests until my pregnancy test on the may 1st. that's all. thanks for listening to me grumble.

2008-04-22T16:51:00.000-07:00

Apparently I have OHSS or Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome from the IVF. I read a bunch of scary stuff about it last cycle but didn't have this problem, so I figured I'd be ok this time. It's miserable. I wasn't able to sit at the Passover seder the other night but you are supposed to recline right?, so that's what I did. I also had to unbutton and unzip my pants though I didn't share this with anyone.

My stomach blew up like a basketball...like I became three months pregnant over night. Monday I went to work and also had trouble sitting at my desk. When I went for acupuncture at lunch, cute acupuncturist guy told me to go see my doctor as something wasn't right. They gave me an ultrasound which freaked me out because I didn't think there was supposed to be any activity down there. Then they told me that I have OHSS but it's not really a big deal. They said to go to the ER if I have trouble breathing. Worst case, they said they'd have to drain the fluid that is stuck in my abdomen.

So I went home and put my feet up and my stomach continued to grow. Then last night around 11:00 I was so nauseated that I was pleading for death. I woke up this morning to a slightly smaller stomach. I went to work for a couple hours but was still uncomfortable. My nurse wants me back for another ultrasound tomorrow but I'm going to refuse. If I can't have sex, then how is it safe to stick that thing in me? I'm not taking any chances. Anyway, it's been about 56 hours since my transfer. I'm told they should implant between 48-72 hours after transfer so I'm hoping it happens soon if it hasn't already. That's all.

transfer today

2008-04-20T14:46:00.000-07:00

i had the most crazy 24 hours but i don't want to be out of bed very long, so i'll just tell you that i had the transfer today. out of 15 eggs, 7 were good and all 7 fertilized. they transfered 3. 2 of the embryos were 8 cells and the other embryo was 6 cells. i'm assuming they are not expecting much from the 6 celled embryo. cross your fingers for me!

Retrieval today

2008-04-17T20:55:00.000-07:00

So I had my retrieval today. I woke from the procedure in the most excruciating pain. I didn't have pain the first cycle so I was unprepared. I'm still hurting after lying in bed all day. Anyway, I had 15 eggs. I thought there would be more because I had tons of follicles. Still, I'm told 15 is good. I'll find out tomorrow how many fertilized. Last time I had a three day transfer; I'm told a five day transfer is ideal so I'm hoping I go in on Tuesday. Meanwhile, it's been a challenging week. I went in 5 days in a row for blood work and ultrasound. My arms are so bruised they didn't know where to put the iv today. The drive is also killing me...it's 45 minutes typically each way and since I work until late in the evening, it makes for 12-14 hour days. The antibiotics I started this evening are giving me the stinkiest butt too. My poor husband...I guess it could be worse. I know I shouldn't complain- it'll all be worth it hopefully. That's really it. Now I just wait.

ivf round 2

2008-04-12T16:11:00.001-07:00

up early for my ultrasound and bloodwork this morning. have to go back tomorrow for another ultrasound...i'm getting really close. today's doctor said i'd be triggering on monday but he doesn't know jack about my situation. when the nurse called to follow up today i told her that i want to hear from my doctor, not the doctor of the day. my doctor knows that my eggs develop slower than the average woman and that i need more time on the shots. so i likely won't trigger until tuesday or wednesday.

that's what i hate most about this place...it's just a factory with a different doctor every time. and no one ever pronounces my name correctly. i practically live there and they can't get my name right. but they are the best supposedly, so i smile and keep my mouth shut.

anyway, guess i'm looking at a passover transfer. at least i'll be off from work. i sure hope it works this time. i cried over a scrubs episode today...my emotions are just all over the place. scrubs...how ridiculous. i can't wait to get off the shots.

one more thing...i had lunch with my friend who recently lost her baby. we were talking about how it just seems to be an epidemic in this country. everyone we know either has problems getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy. what the hells going on? my doctor said it's because we are waiting longer to have kids, but it's happening with younger women i know too. i don't buy that...it's got to be our environment.

toe monster and my infertile doctor

2008-04-08T05:54:00.000-07:00

you've seen that commercial with the monster that gets into your toe nail....we'll some how i got the monster. i've been ignoring my little toe for weeks but then my husband freaked me out by saying that the infection might get into my bloodstream and i've got to take care of it before i get pregnant. so i finally went to the regular doctor the other day and she tells me it's no big deal. i have athlete's foot. funny thing is that i haven't worked out in a year now and i never sweat or raise my heart beat (all doctor's orders) so how do i now acquire athlete's foot? i worked out my whole life and never had such a thing. and by the way, i had to go shopping last weekend for bigger clothes since my fat ass no longer fits into anything...thanks to not be allowed to work out.

so the point of all this is that during the examination i mentioned i was undergoing ivf to my doctor. she asked me where in the cycle i am and how many times i've done this and a few other questions. i assumed it was for my file, but then she told me that she and her husband tried ivf twice and it failed and they weren't going to try again. their insurance didn't cover it and they paid out of pocket and besides, she said it was just too difficult emotionally. but she said this all so calmly and with a smile on her face. i just wanted to jump up and hug her. then she said that they have tons of nieces and nephews and that was good enough. i don't think she meant this.

the weirdest part was that i could have tried to say something positive or ask her questions about her experience. i wanted to try to make her feel better but she was the doctor, and while i felt i could unload all my garbage on her, i didn't feel i could pry into her personal life. it was awkward. i think i missed an opportunity to help her or to reach out to her because i didn't want to say anything inappropriate to her as a doctor. i think she was trying to talk to me as someone who has gone through what she did and i don't think she was thinking of me as just a patient. i feel like i failed to help this person.

on the other matter...i had my ultrasound and bloodwork yesterday. Started the follistim and medipur last night along with the lupron i've already been taking. three shots on top of the bloodwork i had yesterday and acupuncture. i've got holes and bruises all over my body. oh well, i'm not complaining. i go back on thursday for another ultra sound and bloodwork and then the retrieval will be some time in the next week and a half i guess.

i have the most vivid dreams on lupron. has anyone else noticed this?

that's all.

Almost distaster during acupuncture

2008-03-31T18:07:00.000-07:00

I've got the Lupron headaches again. They hurt so bad I can't see straight.

Anyway, I went back to acupuncture today and barely avoided what would have been an embarrassing disaster. Maybe it's just me, or maybe I'm nuts, but I pee much more frequently while on all of these meds.

So I arrived at my appointment and went straight to empty my bladder. I was all set for the procedure but as soon as cute acupuncturist guy put the needles in I had the urge to pee again. I didn't say anything...I figured I could lay there 30 minutes, he closed the door and was gone. I can't be sure about time because it felt as if time were standing still. The urge increased and I did everything I could to ignore it. The problem was I couldn't cross my legs because there were needles from my toes to my knees. I couldn't even hold myself like a child (sorry for that image) because there were needles in my arms and hands. Besides, how embarrassing would that have been if he had opened the door and seen that?

So I held out as long as I could until I thought both my head and bladder were going to explode. Finally, I decided I had to do something or I'd wet myself for sure. I had to either figure out how to stand without hurting myself and losing all the needles, or I'd have to call for help. I decided to call for help. Unfortunately the music was playing, the heater was on and the door was closed. Additionally, I forgot the acupuncturist's name....I knew it was either Mike or Mark. So I decided to yell for help instead. I called help about 8 times. I felt absolutely ridiculous. Help...help...HELP.

He finally heard and ran in to ask what was wrong. I told him to remove the needles I was about to leave a puddle on his table. I ignored the socks and just threw on the tennis shoes without tying them which really grosses me out now (imagine how filthy that bathroom floor was)... and I was off to relieve myself. Aside from embarrassment, I was upset that it was all a big waste of time and money since obviously it was not a relaxing experience. He said that I still benefited from the procedure but I think he was just trying to make me feel better. I told him he needs to have an emergency button in the room should this ever happen again to anyone. Uggh, I've got to go back again next week and face him. Obviously I won't drink anything prior to the procedure.

humiliated

2008-03-26T20:38:00.000-07:00

it's been a while. i just haven't had any reason to write. i start the lupron again tomorrow. i don't know how i'll survive if this ivf cycle fails.

had a situation at work today that totally suked and i can't stop thinking about it. i'm so embarrassed. i called a parent to discuss her child's behavioral problems in class. the woman became hysterical and abusive when i told her about his inappropriate and disrespectful behavior. i stayed calm- i've dealt with crazy parents before. but then she said something like...do you have children? maybe if you had children you'd know what to do. so i yelled back...no, i don't have children...i can't have children for your information. i just got so pissed. how dare she make it personal. i called to inquire what the best way is to deal with her child and she attacked me. i know this woman has no idea what i'm going thru but i just lost it when she said that. insensitive bitch! thing is that i yelled it in my office and there were two other people who heard it in the office next door. i'm so humiliated. now everyone will know i can't have kids. i'm such an idiot.

thank you

2008-03-07T06:27:00.000-08:00

thanks to everyone for your comments. i've never been more popular...i guess i need to freak out more often and threaten never to blog again. i've had time to reflect and well, i really need this blog to retain what little sanity i have these days.

i destroyed my prenatal vitamins. that was pretty stupid. i smashed them up all over the kitchen floor. then i had to clean them up. it felt good though- smashing them, not cleaning up. i have to buy more and i know the insurance company will tell me it's too soon and that i can't. my poor husband was ready to have me committed.

then something truly awful happened. i got the call from my nurse telling me the test was negative but then i got an email from my good friend saying she had lost her baby. she was four months pregnant and the heart just stopped. how could i mourn something that never was when she had just lost her baby? hearing her news made me realize how ridiculous i am being. i stopped crying for myself and cried for her instead.

so i'm trying again. my doctor explained that the retrieval was too soon. apparently my eggs mature slower than other women so we've got to wait longer next time. i'm obviously not looking forward to starting over but what choice do i have?

i'm done

2008-03-04T20:01:00.000-08:00

i just took a home test and got a negative. i knew ivf failed and i didn't want to hear it tomorrow so i took the test. i'm not blogging anymore. i'm done with all this bullshit and these fucking doctors and the needles and drugs and screwed up emotions. good luck to you all.

tomorrow's the day

2008-03-04T15:48:00.000-08:00

i take my pregnancy test tomorrow. i still don't have any symptoms or signs of pregnancy and feel like i'm going to get the biggest disappoinment of my life tomorrow. oh well, guess i'm doing another cycle. the question is how i'm going to make it through the day at work waiting to hear and then after hearing.

To Test or Not To Test?

2008-03-01T11:37:00.000-08:00

I still don't feel pregnant. It's been one week since my IVF transfer. No symptoms, no implantation bleeding everyone talks about, nothing. So the question is should I POAS? Tomorrow is bad because I have to work and then I have a job interview. I don't know how I'll make it thru the day with a negative. Maybe I should wait until Monday. My blood test is on Wednesday, maybe I should just wait until then. Thanks to all of ya'll who have given me hope by telling me you didn't feel pregnant either (and you really were).

not feeling the least bit pregnant

2008-02-27T05:59:00.000-08:00

I don't feel pregnant. The transfer was five days ago. I keep reading all these blogs about women who just knew they were pregnant immediately. I have no signs. Warning...this might be too much information for some...I had my usual discharge this morning. I shouldn't be getting a discharge if I'm pregnant should I? My boobs don't hurt. Nothing. I have to wait until March 5th for my test since I don't get a regular period. Or will I get a period now since I just had IVF? Does anyone have any insight?

Additionally, my husband is "depressed". He took the poor sperm morphology diagnosis really hard.

pee pee dance and the transfer

2008-02-23T13:35:00.000-08:00

Had my transfer this morning. They called at 9:00 and told us to be there at 11:30.

I was supposed to "empty my bladder" before leaving the house and then begin drinking 4- 5 glasses of water at 11:15. By the time I was ready to go in for the procedure I was floating. (For those of you who are unfamiliar...the procedure is done with a full bladder so they can see what they are doing). That's entirely too much water for my bladder. So I was pacing in my tiny space in the waiting room, praying for them to hurry up and get to me. My husband kept calling me a spaz and saying "none of the other women in here are having problems like you." Finally I asked to "let a little out". Then I had to do it again a few minutes later. Then I asked the nurse one last time and she said no, hold it...I'm going to delay the procedure.

The doctor finally came in to answer our questions. He had a picture of our two little embryos but I couldn't focus as I was preoccupied doing the pee pee dance. He noticed and suggested I go a little more. The whole thing was horribly embarrassing, and I regret that I couldn't ask more questions about the procedure because I was so absorbed with not wetting the floor. We got into the room, they quickly transfered the embryos and I thought I'd finally be able to pee but they said I had to lie there another 20 minutes before getting up to go to the bathroom. I thought I was going to die. I know, I sound like a child. So anyway, long story short...I had to use a bed pan (that was yet another first for me).

I'm certain they will never forget me. I'm hoping never to do this again just so I don't have to show my face there again.

Seriously though, we had two embryos and I was a bit disappointed there weren't more but relieved that I didn't have to make a choice about the number to transfer. One embryo was at 8 cells but the other was only at 4 cells. They said the smaller one might be slowing down. I just pray one of them makes it. I can't believe I have two potential babies inside of me.

Snowed in on my day off

2008-02-22T09:06:00.000-08:00

I was going to get my hair cut today but I'm snowed in on my day off. How unfair is that? Found out more information when I went for my acupuncture yesterday. Cute acupuncturist guy checked my file and told me that they actually had to do ICSI (inracytolplasmic sperm injection- which translates to inject sperm into the middle of the egg). Apparently my husband's sperm quality was not so great this time, which I don't get b/c we've never had to worry about his part in this process. According to cute acupuncturist guy, my husband's morphology was way off and only 1% of his sperm was acceptable. Anyway, tomorrow is likely the day. I haven't heard anything from the clinic so I'm just praying my four little embryos make it through another day.

bummed out

2008-02-21T07:08:00.000-08:00

my nurse just called. there were only 5 decent eggs out of the 13 apparently. only 4 out of 5 fertilized. this isn't good is it?

13 Eggs

2008-02-20T12:17:00.000-08:00

Had my retrieval this morning. They removed 13 eggs which I think is good. I go back Saturday, Monday or Tuesday for the transfer. The procedure wasn't too bad, the anticipation in the waiting room was the difficult part.

Retrieval

2008-02-18T12:03:00.000-08:00

My retrieval is on Wednesday. There were some big follicles today so I'm feeling good but I'm waiting to hear back from the nurse regarding how many there are and how big they are. Tonight we stop the two injections and do the ovidrel, I think that's what it's called. Tomorrow I go back for another ultra sound and blood work. Then I fast and show up again Wednesday at 9:00 am for the retrieval. That's all. I'm very nervous but trying to envision a positive outcome.

Stupid Questions

2008-02-17T08:09:00.000-08:00

I had an ultrasound and blood work on Friday. The doctor told the assistant on the computer that I have three follicles at 11 on the left side. Then she continued to measure and kept saying a number minus a number. I'm guessing that means there were follicles too small to measure. She'd say something like 8 minus 12. Does anyone know what this means?

I am not supposed to ask the doctor questions; I have to wait for my nurse to call...so I waited. She told me that I had 7 larger follicles on the left and a bunch of small follicles on the right. I'm going back tomorrow for another ultrasound and blood work. The tentative date for the removal or transfer...whatever they call it, of my eggs will be around the 20th.

If I do more injections on my right side will that help the others catch up? I'm guessing no and that this a seriously stupid question, so that's why I'm asking you and not the nurse.

Perpetual Headache

2008-02-13T06:59:00.000-08:00

I'm still on the Lubron but added Folliston shots two days ago. I've had the most severe headaches right behind my eyes and nothing seems to help. Has anyone experienced this?

I'm also having anger issues...but that's really everyone else's problem.

Day 3 and Acupuncture

2008-02-11T14:12:00.000-08:00

I had my blood test and ultrasound this morning. The doctor didn't say much, just that it looked good and he saw what he expected to see. Ok. So tonight I start the Follistin injections at 225 units and reduce the Lupron to 5 units. My husband started his antibiotics too. I think that's everything if I understand correctly. Then on Thursday I go back for another blood test and ultrasound.

Went for acupuncture today. It was not exactly what I expected. I was so exhausted from so little sleep last night and getting up at 6 this morning for the ultrasound and blood work- that I really couldn't expend any energy on worrying about the appointment. It was completely not my style, but I arrived at the appointment worry free. If only I could have that kind of composure every day...I'm a nervous nelly.

Anyway, the only thing that threw me off was that the guy was so young and attractive. It's hard enough talking to a stranger about your bowel movements, but it's more challenging when all you can think is wow...this guy is hot. I was honest however, after all I really need for this to be affective. The needles didn't hurt, the experience was totally relaxing and I actually fell asleep. I have another appointment next week. Meanwhile he gave me suggestions as to how I can get my Xi or Chi in balance. He kept saying that word...not sure what it means, but apparently if I start eating more beef, yams and herring I'll be better off. My liver is off and it's causing my spleen to be off too and I have extra fluids that are causing my PCOS. Interesting stuff, but I'm not sure I buy it.

UGGGGHHHH

2008-02-08T06:41:00.000-08:00

Warning...I'm going to bitch a lot. So I'm just miserable. I stopped taking the birth control pill and immediately got my period but not before crying for 2 consecutive hours for no reason. I wasn't thinking about anything, I just couldn't stop the tears. My husband thinks I'm nuts.

I hate my nurse and my financial person. They both suck! Why are they so mean to me? I forgot to take my half a pill on Wednesday nite. (I've no clue what it's for, but I take it twice a week). So when I realized this morning I hadn't taken it, I freaked and cried again.

I'm too stressed to get pregnant.

My husband read an article in the paper about acupuncture this morning and called to say I needed to do this immediately. I just made two appointments, but my retrieval might fall on the day of the second appointment so it might not happen. Will one appointment do the trick? Really, more needles in me. I'm afraid I'll start leaking soon from all the punctures in my body.

I read this great blog yesterday by claire...it was so calming and wise. She says that in order to conceive one must be ready to accept the new soul and that one has to act like an adult during this process. I'm not summing it up well, but I'm going to go read it again and try to start my morning over.

Our Crazy Genes

2008-02-06T05:30:00.000-08:00

We went for the genetic counseling which was interesting, but all we really learned is that both my husband and I have a lot of unstable people in our family. (A few were institutionalized). It appears we don't have much else to worry about other than our child will eventually need some kind of regular medication like zoloft, prozac or retilin...it seems our entire extended family is medicated. If that's the worst thing, bring it on.

We did discover that the my nurse missed a Jewish test. There are 11 apparently and I was not tested for glycogen storage disease. Now I've got to go back for yet another blood test but the problem is it takes several weeks to get the results and I don't want to delay the retrieval. I think I want to blow it off at this point...I mean what are the chances both my husband and I are carriers? But he won't have it...he wants the test done. So fine, I'm going Friday morning.

Other than that, I've gotten used to the shots in my stomach. Can't believe I'm saying that but I have. I don't watch, I mean I still can't look at the needle. I guess the new fat around my middle makes it easier. (I had to stop working out months ago at my doctor's orders).

The biggest stress I'm dealing with is work. My contract is up for renewal and I've got to get it before I'm showing. And if they decide not to renew my contract, I've got to interview and find another job before I start showing. I know, I'm being extremely optimistic here (my husband would tell me not to speak like this), but we can't afford for me to be out of work. Of course, I'd love nothing more than to stay home and raise a baby. Maybe in my next life.

Early Saturday

2008-02-02T04:54:00.000-08:00

Nothing better than getting up before the sun on a Saturday to drive across the state for a blood test. Today they tested my progesterone I think. Why? No clue...just do what I'm told.

So my husband has decided he does want genetic counseling. Anyone know how that works? We can only give information back to our grandparents since his family was wiped out in the Holocaust and we have little information on the members of my family who made it out of Europe. Still, we already did the Jewish testing and I'm not a carrier so what more is there to do? I'm afraid more testing will delay our IVF process. At the class the other night someone mentioned the PGD test and now he wants that too. It's my understanding this is thousands of dollars if it isn't covered by insurance. I've tried to tell him that it doesn't guarantee our baby will be perfect, but he figures if it's an option, we should do it.

So the one other thing that's on my mind these days is the retrieval. Does it bother anyone else that this is done when you are sedated? Someone is going to spread my legs and invade my holy of holies while I'm unconscious. My husband won't be allowed in the room. When I asked my nurse why this was so she got defensive and tried to convince me that no one would do anything inappropriate. Still, I don't feel better about this situation. Maybe if I could put my own legs in the stirrups and then they sedated me I'd feel better. I hate the idea of someone manipulating my body while I have no idea what they are doing. I can just imagine my husband's response if he was told he would be sedated and then an instrument would be shoved inside his butt...not exactly the same thing, but the closest I can think of. It wouldn't happen.

Is this really my life?

2008-02-01T06:51:00.000-08:00

The IVF class was over three hours with no break. I thought I was going to starve to death. I had missed lunch yesterday b/c of a meeting and didn't have time to eat before the class. I brought along chips but my husband scolded me when I tried to eat them during the class. He said it was distracting, but meanwhile others were eating. I guess my stomach growling every few minutes wasn't distracting for him.

So it was past 9 by the time we got out of the class. We had a 45 minute drive home and I still hadn't eaten. The problem was that I had a blood test this morning that I had to fast for and I knew that even if we made it home by 10 I wouldn't have time to eat if I was giving blood at 7 am. So I started to panic a bit I admit. My husband suggested we stop at a restaurant...not something he ever does. I mean we never eat in restaurants b/c he thinks they are dirty and a waste of money. Getting him to go to a restaurant even for a special occasion is near impossible. Anyway, we finally find a place that's still open in this suburban hell and we are waiting for our food when we get into a terrible fight. He's trying to keep his cool b/c we are in public but I could tell he was ready to explode. He left me alone at the table just as the food was arriving. I asked the waiter to wrap his up and I sat alone and ate my dinner knowing that it would be a miserable ride home, which it was.

When we got home he didn't want to do the shot. Of course not. He had to punish me. Now it was close to 11 and I was beyond panicked. There was no way I could do the shot myself, especially the first one. After about a half hour he finally came over to the table where I was crying on all the syringes and he did it.

Sometimes I really wonder how I got to this point. Is this really my life?

Today's the Day

2008-01-31T05:27:00.000-08:00

My husband and I have our IVF class tonight. Then we come home and do the first Lubron injection with our newly acquired knowledge. I'm not even going to think about that or else I'll be paralyzed with fear and won't get to work this morning. My husband was a medic in the military a decade ago and assures me he can do the injections blindfolded.

We received the denial from my insurance yesterday for IVF. We were expecting that. But we have not yet received confirmation from his insurance that it's covered so that's an added stress. He's going to call Bitch in finance today to find out if I got approval.

One more thing...also got a letter from my insurance company saying a computer was stolen and it contained all my personal information. Fabulous. They gave me a year subscription to all the credit check companies so I can watch and wait for my identity to be stolen.

The Whole World Appears to Be Pregnant

2008-01-29T05:26:00.000-08:00

I went to Costcos Friday to buy supplies for work. Everywhere I turned I saw pregnant women. I started crying uncontrollably and had to leave. It was a bit embarrassing. I'm a nutjob. Now I have to go back to that freaking place, battle cars again for a parking spot and do it all over again. Maybe I should go on a different day of the week...maybe Friday is pregnant shoppers day.

Yesterday I get to work and my secretary says she has to tell me something but she'll wait until the end of the day. Without a pause I say, "Are you pregnant?" and she just gave me the biggest grin. I didn't cry. I think I was prepared for this one, unlike my good friend who surprised me with the news a couple weeks ago.

The thing that gets me though is that my secretary proceeded to tell me that she really didn't want another child, that this was not planned and that it couldn't be more inconvenient. Well if that isn't icing on my cake...terrific, you didn't even want it and you got it.

totally mental today

2008-01-25T18:28:00.000-08:00

So hekateris got me all worked up with her last comment...actually I was already worked up but just needed confirmation that I should be angry. Bitch nurse is on vacation. The substitute nurse called me yesterday while I was in a critical meeting with my boss. I asked that she please call me back and she said she had many other patients and didn't have time. I begged and she said she'd call in a half hour. Guess what?...she didn't call. Surprise.

So this morning I dealt with Stephanie. Stephanie is the biggest butthead I have ever encountered. Excuse my mouth. I'm a nice person. I open doors for strangers, I give charity regularly, I am a freaking nice person damn it! Why do I have to deal with all these assholes? Anyway, Stephanie is my financial person and she takes an attitude with me every time we speak and it's been like that since day one. I never did anything to her...I just don't understand. Maybe she just needs a new job. So anyway, she leaves this nasty message on my machine yesterday threatening me that I won't be covered and will spend thousands of dollars if she doesn't receive my referral from my primary care physician for IVF.

Meanwhile, yesterday I faxed all the necessary information to my primary care physician but they didn't take care of it. By the way, this is the second time they ignored me. I called eight days ago with the same request. Well this morning I called and cried and told them they needed to send it immediately. That worked.

Since I was on fire already, I called my doctor to bitch about the terrible service I've been getting. I didn't get him on the phone (of course not) but I got his assistant and I proceeded to rant and cry and completely freak out on this woman. I told her how I start IVF in less than 10 days, I just got a big box of scary needles delivered with multiple drugs I know nothing about and I need to speak with someone. I think I scared her. She got me a nurse immediately. Then I went nuts on the nurse.

They probably have my name in red now in their system...crazy person- beware. I'm wondering if this has anything to do with the pill. I was on the pill in college and I used to get so nutty...I thought about beating people and I'm really not a violent person. Has anyone out there ever experienced severe rage while on the pill? Or maybe it's just that I'm so freaking scared about this whole process and no one is listening to me.

Freaking Out

2008-01-24T06:19:00.000-08:00

I finally received a packet from bitch nurse yesterday. In it is my consent forms and all kinds of information on IVF as well as information that I should have known several weeks ago when I started the birth control pill. Nice that I finally got this information.

So now I'm completely freaking out because I don't understand what the hell is going on. I inject myself with Lubron on the 31st. I continue to take the pills until the 4th. Do I continue with the Lubron and if I do, for how long? Then the 11th I go in for my ultrasound and blood work and then the retrieval is supposed to happen around the 20th. My husband has to go on antibiotics (news to us). I have to go on antibiotics. Then there is something about stimulation drugs...? Bitch nurse requested both Follistand and Gonal F. which I'm told are basically the same thing and that she must have made a mistake. But guess what...? Bitch nurse is on vacation and now I'm dealing with another nurse.

Then I have to run over to my primary care doctor for a new referral b/c my insurance doesn't cover IVF but thank G-d my husband's does. Meanwhile I have been calling my primary care doctor for an entire week and no one will freaking call me back...hence, why I'm driving over there.

I DON'T WANT TO DO IVF! Honestly, I don't know how we are going to inject things in my stomach. That's what I fear...I can't do the injections. And my husband tells me I'm making too much of this. He has no compassion. It's not his freaking body...of course it's NO BIG DEAL!

No Pain

2008-01-23T10:43:00.000-08:00

Had my blood drawn for the umpteenth time today but the woman who did it (Anna was MIA) had a magic touch. NO PAIN. So now I just wait to see what my sugar level is I guess and then I'll know if I will be taking this Metforin. I'm keeping my fingers crossed I don't have to take it though b/c it'll delay IVF a few more days apparently. I got nothing else to say...I'm just waiting until the 31st for my class and first injection of Lupron.

My name is not love

2008-01-22T06:18:00.000-08:00

I read a lot of blogs over the weekend and found out that since I have PCOS I am more likely to have OHSS during IVF. But apparently it has something to do with weight, b/c my doctor doesn't think it's an issue for me since I'm thin. Still, I asked about taking Metforin (or something like that) after reading about it on a blog. He's agreed to test my blood sugar and determine if I need to be on it. I don't like the fact that I read about something and brought it to his attention and then he decided to test me. I want to be informed, but I don't want to be writing my own prescriptions. I also asked about IVM which I read about somewhere. Apparently my doctor doesn't find it successful and refuses to do the procedure.

So I was supposed to go in this morning for a blood test but my husband didn't sleep last nite which means I didn't sleep last nite so there was no way I was getting up and making the hour drive. I just called my bitch nurse to apologize and ask if I can go tomorrow (I never miss an appointment). Fine she says, but she really needs my signed consent forms. Uh, hello, you've never sent them to me. Suddenly her bitch attitude mellows ever so slightly and she says, I'll mail them today. Always my fault right?...and she calls me "love" which I really hate b/c I know it's not a term of endearment in this case. We had a British guy at work who always called me love and well, I loved it...but coming from her- I just want to slap her.

IVF

2008-01-18T07:59:00.000-08:00

I've got four days off from work and I actually slept in later than I have in years. I'm going to read all the newspapers we've accumulated from the week, finish my book, clean my house and do my art projects. I know, sounds lame...but it makes me happy.

I finally got my nurse on the phone yesterday (no, I haven't requested a new one yet- I wimped out). She confirmed my IVF class is on Jan. 31st. I'm just hanging out until then. Guess I need to start reading up on it, as I have no idea what I'm in for. I swore I'd never do it too- it was always the last resort. I'd love to hear from any one about the process or maybe you know of someone who blogs about it..?I'm looking for positive, helpful advice...nothing that's going to freak me out any more than I already am.

Thanks.

I Control My Sunshine

2008-01-16T06:15:00.000-08:00

Looking back over my blogs, it seems I complain a lot. Maybe that's why I don't get many visitors. I've decided I'm going to be happy today and I'm going to do my best not to let the nurse, this infertility or anything else steal my sunshine. That's my goal. Ok, so here's me being positive.

I've got a 12 hour work day ahead of me but I'm so happy to have this opportunity to prove to everyone that I can be a great principal if they give me a shot. I'm going to insure the school runs well, period. I'm going to smile and befriend every teacher and convince them that my youth and inexperience is not going to make me any less of a leader. And for those old women who continue to give me a hard time...I'm going to kill them with kindness.

My father-in-law is coming to stay with us overnight. I haven't had time to clean the house, but I'm not going to worry about it because the guy loves me and isn't going to judge me by the clutter in my home.

All I have to do is make it thru tomorrow and then I have a four day weekend in which I can catch up on all the newspapers and finish my book...I'm reading Pray, Love and Eat- I think that's what's it's called...three words... maybe it's Love, Pray, Eat. I'm loving it whatever it is called.

Bitch

2008-01-15T19:20:00.000-08:00

My nurse is a BITCH. She's neglected to call with pregnancy results. She accuses me of not listening to her and today...she called and left a message saying she'll see me at the IVF class on Feb. 5th. I DON'T LISTEN?!! I told her (my husband was there so he can validate) that I work evenings and Feb. 5th was not an option. We agreed on Jan. 31st. It's been on my calendar, it's on my husband's. I've got my heart and hopes set on that date. I can't make Feb. 5th and she fucked up this time. I called and yelled at some poor other soul who answered the phone because I couldn't get my bitch nurse. It's time to switch nurses...I've been saying it for weeks but didn't want to make trouble. She's making an incredibly stressful, miserable time even worse. BITCH!

weather people lie

2008-01-14T06:03:00.000-08:00

I've worked the last 14 days straight with not one day off. I was counting on the 3 - 6 inches of snow those bastards said was heading my way. Just goes to show that some things are just out of our control. I should have known better than to get my hopes up. So now I'm really late to work because I slept in and my house is a mess and the Sunday paper is unread and I could go on and on all b/c they said I was going to have the morning off while they cleaned the roads. Bastards!

So I got nothing new. I'm on the birth control pill...though I don't know why exactly. Something about being in a "holding pattern" to keep the follicles from growing. My husband and I meet with my charming nurse soon to discuss the next step. Then we have the three hour course on IVF on the last day of the month. Again, why is it going to take three whole hours to learn about the process? Then it begins sometime in February.

Pregnant Friend and My Temporary Tattoo

2008-01-11T11:59:00.000-08:00

I had lunch with a good friend today and she informed me she's pregnant. I started crying, and not because I was happy for her. It's not that I'm not happy for her, but she hasn't even been trying. I felt bad for crying, but I couldn't control it. Then I made the blunder in calling my husband for support only to hear that I have no reason to be sad. Why don't I know better than to call him?

I'm two seconds away from requesting a new nurse. The witch called me today and told me that from now on I must write down what she says b/c I obviously don't listen to her. Listen to her?...she can't spare five minutes to speak with me and she gets annoyed when I ask her questions. Bitch.

Oh and best part of the day... I forgot that I put a temporary Jewish star tattoo on my arm the other day for a class lesson. When I went to give blood today I saw it and freaked. Suddenly I had flashbacks to my high school days and all the anti-Semitic crap I went thru. I could just imagine the nurse taking one look at it and coming to all kinds of conclusions about me so I switched to my right arm quickly before she found out my secret. I never ever give blood from my right arm because they have trouble finding a vein. Needless to say I have a huge bruise now. At least she doesn't know I'm a Jew. (kidding...well, sort of).

In Limbo

2008-01-10T05:39:00.000-08:00

So I'm in charge but I don't have a new title or contract. I'm just doing all the work. I shouldn't say too much I guess about this until something is finalized. Hopefully in the end, I will get the position and/or compensation I deserve for the 12 hour days and the increased responsibilities. Otherwise, I'm the world's biggest sucker.

I appreciate hearing that my clinic sucks and that I'm not being ridiculous and overly sensitive. I'm starting to second guess my instincts so much these days that I just don't know what to think and your comments really give me perspective. I'm sticking with them thru the IVF because at this point, I can't really go anywhere else without slowing down the process considerably, and I want to be pregnant yesterday.

My Boss Retired and I Got My Period

2008-01-09T05:09:00.000-08:00

My boss retired last week and I've been picking up the pieces and taking over her work since she left abruptly. I've really felt as if I was missing something out of my day by not blogging, but I simply haven't had time to catch my breath. Definitely not pregnant. IUI and clomid didn't work for me. I start IVF next month. Today is day one of my cycle. Jan. 31st we take a 3 hour course (why the hell does it take 3 hours?) to learn about the IVF process. My doctor is optimistic that is will work the first time. He was optimistic IUI and clomid would work though.

Had a pregnancy test yesterday. My f-ing nurse never bothered to call me with the results. I finally called her at 5:15 pm and left a message saying how dare she leave me hanging all day without telling me the results of something so important. She called me back and said, nope- negative. No apology, no freaking sympathy. Cold woman.

No Audience Please

2008-01-04T07:13:00.000-08:00

I just came from my doctor. I made an appointment yesterday because I had this perpetual feeling I needed to pee all day. (Oh, maybe I should warn you this might be too much information). I was going every 45 minutes and it was never satisfying and on top of everything...I had an odor. I won't elaborate. I figured I had a urinary tract infection or something so I called to ask if I should see my gyno or my RE and they told me to come in this morning. Peed in a cup and then they did an ultrasound. The doc said everything looks fine, I'll find out about my pee later when the nurse calls with the results. What ticks me off...(I know, here she goes again) is that I had three people in my examination room today. Three people in the room the size of a bathroom. So when the doctor asked me to describe the odor, I said it's a bit difficult to do with such a large audience. Are you kidding me? Hey doctor...why don't you tell me how your penis smells? Oh, and wait, let me get my friends in here first. Am I over-reacting?

Act As If

2008-01-03T05:32:00.001-08:00

My boss told me a while back that her shrink taught her to "act as if". For example, if you don't like something you should act as if you do and eventually you will convince yourself you do or perhaps you will genuinely start liking it. That's what she told me to do with the teacher who refuses to follow my instructions... act as if I like the woman. Well, yesterday my boss acted as if all day. She walked in with a big smile plastered on her face and she smiled all damn day and we had lovely conversations and all was really pleasant. I guess it'll be like this until her true emotions erupt again like they did in the staff meeting several weeks ago and she is loaded onto an ambulance with chest pains. I don't think acting as if is healthy or good advice. I think it's better to tell it like it is. Obviously I'll never be in politics or win some kind of popularity contest. Maybe I'll act as if I'm pregnant and see what happens.

Procrastination

2008-01-02T05:23:00.000-08:00

I don't want to go to work. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to go to work and face my boss. I've no energy for confrontation. I'm going to act as if all is well and kill her with kindness. That's the plan but I have a terrible temper so who knows what will happen. I have my presentation to the Board tomorrow and I'm dreading it. I have tons of preparation to do for it.

Still pink, every day I see pink. My doctor says not to worry so I'm not. Meanwhile, someone called me two days ago to inform me that I have a 2:00 appointment with my doctor on Thursday. I said, excuse me, but what if I can't make it? How about giving me some options. She said she'd get back to me with another time. Can you believe the nerve? Be here at this day and time...no- when are you available? Obviously his time is more important than little old me. Freaking doctors.

no work!

2007-12-31T07:07:00.002-08:00

I actually woke early, showered and was on my way to work when I called my co-worker to take her coffee order- we take turns. She informs me the office is closed today. HUGE! I was so dreading facing my boss...I've been avoiding work for days now. I've really nothing else to say except I'm so happy I've got another day off.

I don't feel pregnant. I know the IUI didn't work. Oh well...next step...IVF. Can't wait to stick myself with needles. (Sarcasm).

other peoples' kids

2007-12-30T07:16:00.000-08:00

A girlfriend of mine is in town with her triplets...three adorable little girls. I think they are just over two years old. We are spending the afternoon with her and as much as I love to be with her kids, it's a struggle. I am sure I don't have to explain why.

My friend's husband left her after the babies were born. He told her she was the one who wanted them, not him, and that he wasn't in love with her any more. She's been working full time and raising them completely on her own. Her typical day is something like this...wake and get the kids ready for day care. Drop them off and go to work. Pick the kids up at day care and then take care of them until they go to bed at 8:00. The funniest thing...when I was visiting her last, the little girls kept saying "Mommy cookoo, Mommy cookoo" and pointing to their little heads. Anyone would be cookoo with a life like that. I don't know how she does it. I pray her ex-husband is accidentally castrated in the most painful way imaginable.

New Year's day we will spend with my sister-in-law's family. She's got two little ones and they are both awesome. What sucks is listening to my sister-in-law say the most hurtful things like...oh, you are so lucky you don't have kids yet. oh, kids are such hard work...just you wait and see. oh, you can't imagine how hard it is. and on and on and on. I know she doesn't mean to hurt me, but she does. I don't want her knowing our business though, so I don't say anything. I'm sure my mother-in-law keeps her informed however. My mother-in-law is the type who says...now don't tell them I told you...that's how she starts everything she says. Who am I kidding? There are no secrets in our family.

two in bed again

2007-12-28T06:44:00.000-08:00

My husband is getting over it...he worked until 11 last night which is very unusual but when he came home he returned to our bed. I guess he is forgiving me. Still, I don't know if I'm over it...he abandoned me during my IUI and still hasn't apologized.

Speaking of, it's now four days since my IUI and while I did stop bleeding for two days, the spotting returned this morning. I'm not in pain so I don't think I have an infection. I spoke with my nurse yesterday and she defended the doctor when I told her how rough she was with me and that she left me cramping and bleeding. The nurse basically said suck it up and that I complain about the same things each month. Man I can't stand this woman. They all suck! Well, except for Anna who takes my blood. I'd share my lottery wins with her, if I ever won.

I haven't been to work since I walked out a couple days ago. I don't even know what day it is, I'm so confused with not being at work. My boss called yesterday and left a message asking if I'm planning to go in anytime soon. I ignored the call. They won't fire me...they need me. Problem is that I have a presentation to our school board on the 3rd and I haven't done any preparations. I just can't be bothered. I did go to another museum though yesterday...it was fabulous! I like being a woman of leisure.

cramps, work drama and a miserable husband

2007-12-27T05:40:00.000-08:00

So the bleeding after the IUI finally stopped. Having PCOS and never getting a period, I'm simply unaccustomed to cramps. I had a sharp, quick pain as my wake up call this morning. I know I should go back to the doctor and make sure the butcher who performed the IUI didn't do any major damage, but I can't image them sticking another thing in me right now.

My boss returned to work yesterday around noon after being out for over a week after her "heart attack". She said nothing to me but chatted up the secretary and was all smiles to her. So I shut down my computer and left. I don't need this...certainly not on top of all the other drama in my life. I drove to the City. Big mistake going there during the holiday season. It took me an hour and a half with traffic and then another half hour to find parking in a lot...I paid $36 for an hour. I ran into a museum I have been trying to visit. Loved the exhibit, but after paying admittance and for the exhibit catalogue that I had to have, it was a very expensive hour. Oh well, it's just money right?...

My husband still isn't talking to me b/c I called him a loser and said I hate him after he abandoned me during the IUI. I don't mean to get so angry and I certainly don't hate him...well not most of the time. I must sound like a horrible person.

bleeding

2007-12-25T11:16:00.000-08:00

the bleeding is getting heavier every time i pee. i started calling my doctor as soon as i woke this morning and finally got a nurse around 11:00 who proceeded to tell me that bleeding after IUI is no big deal. Oh, just use a pad she tells me. I asked her to look at my information and tell me exactly how thin my lining was. I've done my research now (since obviously doctors don't tell you shit) and found that I need at least a 6. She proceeds to tell me that I was at 3. I freaked and started demanding to know why they made me do IUI for two days and raise my hopes with the knowledge that my lining is too thin to sustain a pregnancy. She had the doctor call me back. Meanwhile, this is the doctor who took less than 2 minutes with my IUI and left me cramping and bleeding. Freaking butcher! She tells me that there is always a chance and that my lining was actually a 4. Then she tells me not to get my information from the internet but I explain that I ain't getting the information from you doctors because you run in and run out and can't be bothered to treat me with an ounce of humanity. not talking to my husband. he left me a note this morning telling me to get a therapist or he's getting a divorce lawyer. so dramatic. ya, i'm the one who needs the therapy...? Excuse me if I have emotions about being unable to conceive.

my husband's an ass

2007-12-24T08:51:00.000-08:00

second day of IUI. after 2 plus hours in the waiting room we were both getting restless. finally get called in and he has to play with everything in the room...the computer and the medical supplies. he can't just sit there like a normal person. so ya, he's stressing me out. i ask him to stop and sit still and he storms out of the room. goes to smoke another freaking cigarette. what the hell kind of support is this? am i out of my mind? then we get into the car and he refuses to let me drive (i beat him to the driver's seat). so what does he do...he threatens to take a train if i don't let him. are you freaking kidding me? he's done it before so i give up the driver's seat so he can have his way. i must be insane. with my thin lining and the unhappiness he puts me thru, there's no way this worked. maybe it's for the best.

food poisoning and IUI

2007-12-23T12:25:00.000-08:00

Friday night I had some bad salad. I threw up for 10 hours straight. Never have I felt so close to death. That sucked! Saturday I spent the entire day in bed recovering. My husband meanwhile, spent hours making me chicken soup from scratch, but the smell alone just exacerbated my nausea. I feel badly but I just can't eat it and the mere mention of chicken soup makes me gag.

So I had to get out of bed for the IUI today. Apparently the follicles look great, and there are many, but my lining is thin and the doctor said that would greatly diminish my chances. He said no more Clomid for me. I knew something was wrong when I was spotting the other day. Bastards! So we go back tomorrow for another try but if my chances are so little, why put me through it?

Haircut

2007-12-21T07:12:00.000-08:00

When I get the urge to cut my hair it completely possesses me to the point where I can't think about anything else. It comes on suddenly and I must act immediately. I usually get the feeling when everything in my life seems to be out of control...like cutting my hair will fix all my problems. Well, I had the urge yesterday and ditched work for a haircut. I know you have no clue what I look like, but until yesterday, I had long dark hair. I decided I'm tired of playing it safe and that I need a bold new change. I told her to cut it all off. It took two hours from wash to blow dry. I love it! I can't believe it, but I do. I don't follow celebrity style, but to give you a visual, my hair is now cut like katie's.

I haven't been to work in three days and I haven't even bothered to call in. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me but I think I might have lost the plot. Maybe when the holidays are over I'll go back to what I'm supposed to be doing. Meanwhile, I'm eating lunch out each day and buying stuff I inevitably have to hide from my husband. I'm so bad.

Pink

2007-12-20T04:40:00.000-08:00

Freaked out yesterday morning. I saw pink. It wasn't red and it wasn't brown, but definitely pink. I just finished the clomid a few days ago so I can't possibly be getting my period yet. I called my nurse and of course she was unavailable. I called the emergency number and the receptionist put me through to another receptionist. I finally got another nurse and she tells me it's no big deal. Sometimes you bleed when you ovulate. Ovulating is a very new thing to me so maybe that's why this has never happened before...? Does this sound normal?

Signs of Affection

2007-12-19T04:48:00.000-08:00

My husband thinks that feeling me up is a sign of affection. No matter how many times I have tried explaining to him that I need to be touched in a non-sexual way, he just doesn't get it. I try to show him how to cuddle but he thinks it's an invitation for sex. It's no secret I've been incredibly stressed out lately, so for several days I have been begging for a massage. My shoulders are so tight I can hardly move. He's always too tired. I told him last night that if he won't touch me then I'll pay someone else to. Today I'm going for a massage. It didn't seem to bother him. Maybe it will when he sees the bill.

2007-12-18T04:59:00.000-08:00

Nothing to say really...finished the Clomid last night. In two nights I start peeing on the sticks again and then I wait.

I'm the boss at work since I hospitalized my boss. She's still out. I don't know when she's coming back and we haven't spoken. I know she blames me so really what can I say to her? I don't want to make her heart condition worse by calling her. Maybe she'll stay away until after the New Year and we'll start over then.

constipation

2007-12-16T19:10:00.000-08:00

I'm on something called Cabergoline...I've no clue what it's for b/c my doctors don't tell me squat. I just do as I'm told. I'm also on day 4 of Clomid. One of these or the combination are clogging me up and I'm so miserable. My husband says I dwell too much on my bathroom habits...maybe, but I'm so freaking uncomfortable...like he doesn't bitch about the slightest little ache.

And I just had Chinese food...nothing like rice for constipation. I sent my husband to Taste of China, but I ordered from China Taste by accident. Long story short after he drove around for a half hour...we ended up with two identical orders. We'll eat the other one tomorrow night. And my fortune cookie had THREE fortunes. That's got to mean something right? (I look for signs everywhere). One fortune said, "Job well done." Stupid. The other two said "The weather is wonderful." Maybe it is where ever the fortune was written, but not where I'm sitting. It's a blizzard out.

Monday again in a few hours. I need a vacation.

I got me my shiny red handbag!

2007-12-15T08:35:00.000-08:00

I'm not in to fashion. I've always worn very tailored clothing...Ann Taylor mostly, Talbots until my husband pointed out that I'm about 30 years younger than most the people who shop there. But lately, I've been freaking out a bit...trying crazy combinations, colors, and shopping at hipper stores. I don't know if it's all the baby stress or just the fact that I'm turning grey but still have zits. I don't want to get old. Maybe this is a mid-life crisis early.

So today I bought my big shiny red handbag! I've been dreaming about a big red bag for ages and I finally found it at 8:30 this morning at Macy's. Who the hell shops at 8:30 on Saturday morning? Well, let me tell you, the store was full and the sales were ridiculous. I never get that lucky. Oh, and if you are wondering, I was out and about because my husband had to go into work for a couple hours and I figured I'd drop him and go read the paper over a tall green tea latte.

Day three clomid.

2007-12-14T07:01:00.000-08:00

Good news Nancy- that cyst is collapsed so I'm on my third clomid cycle...started last night and I am going to be very optimistic this time. It has to work because I don't want to to IVF as I've stated multiple times and I'm not covered for it anyway. I'm hoping for a Christmas miracle b/c according to my count that's when I'll be inseminated. I feel bad for all those people who have to work on Christmas to get a Jewish girl pregnant. I'll bring lots of goodies for them though.

I started reading the most well-written blog ever the other day but my husband came into the room and I quickly closed out of it. Could someone help me get back to it?... I remember it was pink and it had that ribbon for infertility and lots of stuff on the sides of the page. She wrote about mascara on her face and morning breath but it is her writing style that stands out. Any clue who I'm talking about? I found her through someone else and I spent several hours looking for her yesterday with no success.

Thanks!

I've been tagged

2007-12-12T19:56:00.000-08:00

I feel so special...like I'm finally fitting into this exclusive little world. I've been tagged by Jendeis. If I understand this correctly, I'm supposed to list seven random or unusual things about myself and then tag seven others...thing is I don't think seven people read my blog. Anyway, here goes.

1. I have a 19 pound cat.

2. I lived in Israel for five years but my Hebrew sucks and I can only curse about your mother in Arabic.

3. I love to watch reruns of Good Times.

4. I enjoy fishing as long as I don't have to bait my hook or clean the fish...and I only drink beer when I'm fishing or sometimes at a baseball game, but only if I'm eating a hot dog.

5. If I could choose my last supper before I die, it would be chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes and fried okra all smothered in cream gravy.

6. I'll eat anything smothered in cream gravy, ranch dressing or chocolate.

7. My order at Starbucks is always a tall green tea latte with skim milk.

So now I'm tagging the following...and I hope you haven't been tagged yet. nancy, meghan, yoka, michele, funkyfrum, hekateris.

And now...an update on my hospitalized boss. I called her and she's drugged and in a happy state of mind. They are keeping her under observation for several days. She did not have a heart attack and I did not kill her. I do however still feel horrible. I've sent two arrangements of flowers- one on behalf of the teachers and one from me. I told each teacher individually about what happened yesterday so no one would hear it from anyone else or hear incorrect information. I think I did everything right. Am I missing anything? Oh, I called her husband last night as well.

i think i might have killed my boss

2007-12-11T19:37:00.000-08:00

Talk about drama...my boss and I had an argument today stemming from a situation that happened last week with a teacher. Long story short, my boss did not support me when she should have. After our heated conversation she suddenly had chest pains and was taken away in an ambulance. The day just got better from there...(sarcasm). I had a student dial 911 from my office. That was fun. As the cops came running down the hall, it occurred to me they might be there to take me away for killing my boss. Holy shit! What a day. Oh, and my nurse is on vacation. Day 3 is coming up and I really need my nurse and not some stranger who knows squat about my case. Here's hoping tomorrow is a little less interesting.

day one again

2007-12-10T05:39:00.000-08:00

It's day one again. I'm so sad. I knew I wasn't pregnant but I would have been happy to be proven wrong. This was the first time my husband was visibly disappointed and that hurts the most. I can't believe I have to start all over again. This is my final clomid cycle and then they are going to insist I do IVF. I have no interest in going through that, it sounds awful from what I've read. I don't have the will to go to work today, but I can't skip another day. Guess I just plaster on my fake smile and pretend all is well. fuck!

i'll know tomorrow

2007-12-09T13:20:00.000-08:00

i'll know tomorrow if it happened or not. i'm guessing no because i feel like i'm going to get my period any moment. i've also been in the bitchiest mood for the last week, weeping in between refraining from scratching peoples eyes out. even though i'm 99.9% sure i'm not pregnant, i'm still not prepared for the disappointment. i really am dreading tomorrow.

my weekend retreat with the students was fun but exhausting. i need to crash. we didn't have heat in our room. the toilet was actually frozen...i swear- there was a whole sheet of ice that just spun when you flushed. i would never have believed it were possible if i hadn't seen it. no heat in our room...i'm still thawing out.

unanswered prayers

2007-12-07T05:15:00.000-08:00

When I was a teen I traveled to Israel for the first time and like most people, on my stop at the Western Wall, I wrote a prayer and stuffed it in the a crack in the wall. Unfortunately either the prayer was lost or G-d just had other plans. My parents ended up divorcing anyway.

Still, I'm always reminded of that Garth Brooks song when I start to think about how disappointed I was... "Sometimes I thank G-d for unanswered prayers. Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs. That just because he may not answer doesn't mean he don't care. Some of G-d's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."

Inspired by Jen's blog, I sought out my own religious solution for my IF problem yesterday. Even though I lived in Israel for many years later in my life, I never attempted to put another prayer in that wall. By the way, I used to eat my lunch there regularly when I worked nearby, so I certainly had ample opportunity to communicate with G-d. Well, yesterday I decided I'll try again.

Turns out you can fax or email your prayers to a group in Jerusalem who will ensure your prayer is inserted in the Kotel. I gave it a shot, and a little donation too (one is encouraged to give charity when asking for something). And now I just hope this prayer doesn't get lost.

just babbling

2007-12-06T16:14:00.000-08:00

I'm breaking my rule about writing more than once a day but here's the thing...I have to go on a weekend retreat with a bunch of teens tomorrow and I likely won't have access to a computer. The good news is that the venue has changed due to excessive snow so we'll be sleeping on the floor of our school instead. Bad news is there are no showers, so they are going to shuttle us on Saturday to a nearby hotel. Still beats sitting on a bus for hours with all of them.

Anyway, my husband works late these days in an effort to earn his bonus. It never seems worth it if you ask me. So blogging, I guess, is just another way to waste time.

Watched a really amusing French film this afternoon while playing hookie from work. It's called L' Iceberg and it's about a woman who gets trapped in a restaurant freezer. Upon realizing her family failed to even notice she was missing all night, she sets out to find an iceberg (the freezer experience apparently stirred this passion in her soul). It was certainly different, but I thought brilliantly done. Foreign movies are so much better than the Hollywood crap that the masses flock to see.

I'm babbling so I'll stop.

Stress

2007-12-06T05:37:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I got into a screaming fight with a teacher. Most of the women at my school have been very receptive and welcoming to me over the past couple of years as the new assistant principal. There is one older woman however who obviously does not understand or care to acknowledge my position and continues to treat me as if I work for her by coming to me for last minute xeroxing or stupid tasks she should have done on her own time in preparation for class.

So yesterday she had a new student. I walked the child, sibling and mother to her classroom on the hour exactly. She was no where to be found. Our school policy is that the teacher must be in the room 15 minutes before the first bell. I made small talk with the family and waited. When she didn't show after five minutes I suggested the snow might be delaying her and went looking for her. Turns out she was doing something else in the office. I calmly told her there was a family in her classroom and that she was late. She responded, she was busy doing something for the principal. I then responded, I don't care...the rule is that you are in your classroom 15 minutes before class. This rule applies to everyone and she is not special. She stormed away.

Fast forward to after school. She comes into the office and says from the principals office (they are right next door)...I need to talk to you, come in here. She called ME into the Principals office. The f-ing nerve. So like a fool, I got up and went into the office. Then she tells me I owe her an apology. Can you believe? F her!... which is essentially what I said but a little cleaner.

I said a bunch of other things and to make a long story short nothing was resolved, we yelled at each other for about 20 minutes. The principal did not take sides...but I'm told by many others I have since spoken with that she should have in fact, backed me up as the assistant principal. It got ugly. The teacher is a close talker and with ever step she came closer to my face the more I had to refrain from slapping her (I've never hit a person before but there is always a first).

And the point of all this is...I kept thinking man, if I am by some miracle pregnant, this stress can't be good for a baby. Otherwise, this is some serious PMS.